3 Doable Steps For Happiness

Hi Tamara,

I am unhappy. There, I said it! I’ve been trying to focus on positive thoughts, but I just can’t deny any longer of how unhappy I am within my relationship and job. If my boyfriend would stop spending so much time on video games and be more focused on our relationship, I’d feel more fulfilled. If I got better pay and worked fewer hours, I’d feel more satisfied. But, it appears these things aren’t going to improve, even though I’ve tried everything to change them. Help! I want to be happy!

Signed: Unhappy

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Dear Unhappy

I used to be very unhappy, too. I blamed my parents for my childhood wounds, my boyfriends for not fulfilling my needs, and my job for my deep sense of disappointment and dissatisfaction. In fact, I became so unhappy that one day I contemplated driving my car off a cliff. Thank God I didn’t, but I felt devastated inside.

That was a long time ago, but interestingly enough, it was my severe emotional pain that led me to my own salvation. I had to fall apart to begin putting the pieces of my life back together. It was through this hardship that I realized my happiness was not only my responsibility but also my choice.

By sharing this, am I suggesting that you, too, have to fall apart to find happiness like I did? No. That was my path. However, I’d like to help you get well on your way to self-discovery and happiness.

My personal and professional experience has shown me that unhappiness is the result of having conditions and agendas. To help you understand what this means and how to release them, I’ve created the 3 Steps to Happiness below.

3 STEPS TO HAPPINESS

Step 1 – Understanding Your Conditions and Agendas

Conditions are the circumstances affecting the way in which you live, especially with regard to your well-being.

Exercise: To get an idea of the conditional thinking you’re operating from in your life, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): I won’t be happy unless or until ___(fill in the blank)___.

Example: I won’t be happy until my boyfriend spends more time focusing on our relationship.

Agendas are your conscious (or subconscious) plans or timetables that you use with as guidelines for yourself and others.

Exercise: To understand the agendas your operating from, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): ___(Your plan for yourself and/or others)___ needs to happen within ___(your timeline)___ in order for me to be happy.

Example: Making more money needs to happen within 6 months in order for me to be happy.

Step 2 – Awareness of Your Conditions and Agendas

Having conditions and agendas makes for an unhappy life and is a recipe for disastrous relationships. It means that other people need to be, do or say things in a certain way in order for you to be happy. If they don’t, you end up blaming them for your unhappiness. By the way, you may be creating conditions and agendas for yourself, as well, which undermines your relationship with you.

No one has created your unhappiness but yourself. And, my dearest reader, as you’ve experienced for yourself, trying to be or think positive when you’re feeling unhappy is extremely difficult. To help you reach the positive state of mind that you desire, try this exercise.

Exercise: Ask yourself these awareness-type questions (repeat as many times as necessary):

  • How many conditions and agendas am I using to create the reality that I’m choosing? Everything that is, am I willing to release them?
  • What unawareness am I using to create the unhappiness that I’m choosing? Everything that is, am I willing to release them?

Tip: If you notice any resistance to this exercise, then keep repeating the questions until you feel lighter or better. Also, notice that you’re asking if you’re willing to let the conditions and agendas go. In the state willingness, anything is possible.

Step 3 – Forgiveness and Gratitude

Forgiveness and gratitude are your keys to happiness. When you stop blaming yourself and others for your experience, then freedom ensues. When you appreciate the fact that all of your circumstances have led you to this moment of forgiveness, happiness ensues. Therefore, forgiveness and gratitude equals freedom. Another word for freedom is happiness.

Exercise: To help you forgive yourself, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): Even though I ___(what you’re blaming yourself for)___, I forgive myself. Doing so will set me free.

Example: Even though I sabotaged my good efforts, I forgive myself. Doing so will set me free.

Exercise: To help forgive others, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): Even though they ___(what you’re blaming them for)___, I forgive them. Doing so will set us free.

Example: Even though they haven’t given me a raise in years, I forgive them. Doing so will set us free.

Great inner work!! Follow these 3 steps everyday for the next 30 days and enjoy your road to happiness!


This blog post is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.


For those who are going through the cancer experience, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara

A Miracle: My Angel Visit

Hi Tamara,

After the year I just had, I need inspiration. I’m involved in a brutal divorce and need to hear that something good is in store for me for 2018. I used to have a spiritual practice, praying my gratitude to God every morning, but now, I feel nothing but exhaustion and disappointment. What do you suggest I do to feel a sense of hope again?

Signed: Empty Shell

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Dearest Empty Shell

The quick answer to your question is to ask for a miracle!

I hear you and know the feeling of exhaustion and emptiness that you’re talking about. When I was caregiving my husband, David, with stage IV cancer and our son, Mark, with Lyme disease, one night, I just needed a sign of hope to keep my spirits up… a miracle to keep me going.

My husband not only survived, but is now thriving! Yay! We since wrote an international best selling book titled, Live Calm With Cancer (and Beyond…) about our cancer journey together as patient and caregiver.

For inspiration, I’m sharing this excerpt from our book, which describes the miracle that happened for us. Enjoy!

“I remember this one night where I was particularly wiped out. Throughout the day, David was feeling quite miserable and I was very worried about him. Sometimes I knew what to do, but other times his agony made me feel quite helpless. Almost in tears, I got into bed and asked, “Angels, if you’re out there, please give me a sign that we’re all going to be okay.”

What happened the next morning astounded me.

It was a bitterly cold day and I was getting ready to de-ice my car’s windows so I could take Mark to school. And there, on my windshield, was the most amazing work of art I’d ever seen. Etched into the frosty window were hundreds of perfectly formed feathers. My jaw dropped in amazement as I soaked in the beauty and magnificence of this detailed design. The morning sun was beaming so brightly and directly onto this icy sketch, it sparkled with a pure white radiance.

Wanting to make sure I wasn’t just seeing things, I quickly ran into the house and woke Mark saying, “Oh my God, you have to see this!” He immediately jumped out of bed, dressed, and met me in the driveway. He, too, couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

We checked the windshield of David’s car, but his was just frosted over with no design. Mark grabbed my cell phone and began snapping photos. From the inside of the windshield, the sun cast a golden glow, lighting up the feather motif even more.

The experience we were having was otherworldly.

Finding his voice, Mark finally asked, “Mom, how could this be? How could such an amazing design end up on our windshield?”

Spellbound, I replied, “I asked the angels to show me a sign that we’re going to be okay, and I guess this is the sign.”

Just one year prior, Mark told me that he saw a beautiful white angel in our kitchen one evening, so hearing this really excited him. “How cool!” he exclaimed.

We continued to ooh and ahh over every inch of that windshield for the next five minutes.

One of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do in my entire life was to turn on the defroster in that car. We wanted to sit in our Honda and forever gaze at the wonderful gift from the angels. We got choked up and teary-eyed when we saw the feathers slowly melting away.

To this day, Mark and I still wonder in amazement at that magical morning. The blissful memory and message, however, is etched into our minds and hearts forever.”


This blog post is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.


For those who are going through the cancer experience, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara

Universal Laws To Improve Your Relationship, Part 3

Hi Tamara,

I’ve been enjoying your three-part series on the Universal Laws. Thank you for giving me a better understanding of the them and how to put them into practice. I’m happy to say that I’ve gained new insights into the relationship issues that my husband and I have been experiencing. Therefore, I’m looking forward to reading about the final four Universal Laws.

Signed: Grateful

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Dearest Grateful

I’m happy to hear that this series on the Universal Laws has been beneficial!

In this three-part series, I shared that the Laws are principles by which everything in this Universe is governed and that when you apply and align with them, your life flows with ease and grace. The four Laws from last month’s column were:

  • Cause and Effect – Nothing happens by chance or outside Universal Laws.
  • Compensation – Abundance is your inalienable right as the Divine Being that you are.
  • Attraction – Like attracts like.
  • Perpetual Transmutation – Constantly moves into physical form.

Drum role please… it’s time for the last four Universal Laws.

Understanding Universal Laws and Putting Them Into Practice:

Relativity – Nothing can be bigger or smaller, lighter or heavier, better or worse, until you relate it to something.

Attention: Practice gratitude for every situation because, relatively speaking, there’s always someone else that has it much worse than you.

Polarity – Everything has an opposite: light-dark; good-bad; up-down.

Awareness Exercise: To transform your negative self-talk, it’s important to focus on what you desire more than what you don’t desire. Higher thought equals higher vibration. However, it can be difficult to concentrate on the positive when there are issues in your relationship. To help shift your focus, try this four-step exercise.

  1. List all the things you don’t want in your relationship any longer. For example: I don’t want my husband to look away when I’m trying to tell him something.
  2. One by one, turn each of the ‘I don’t want’ statements into a ‘I want’ statements. For example: I want my husband to give me eye contact when I’m trying to tell him something.
  3. Turn your ‘I want’ statements into ‘I am so happy and grateful that’ declarations. For example: I am so happy and grateful that I feel heard by my husband.
  4. What you focus on expands so with your full attention, spend five minutes each day repeating your ‘grateful declarations’. Commit to doing this for the next 30 days. Notice how things begin to shift within you… and eventually, within your relationship.

Rhythm – Life is a series of seasons, cycles, and patterns. What goes up must come down and vice versa.

Attention: During the “negative” part of a cycle or pattern in your relationship, rise above it by focusing on the benefits of what’s to come.

Gender – Every idea or seed has a gestation or incubation period.

Attention: Have total faith that your relationship goals will actualize in physical form when the time is right. Remind yourself that the Universe has your back and that all is well.


This blog is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.


For those who are going through the cancer experience, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara

Universal Laws To Improve Your Relationship, Part 2

Dear Tamara,

Just like last month’s reader, I have been having relationship problems. However, I read your column about the Universal Laws, did the exercises as you suggested and I’m already getting a better understanding as to why we’ve been having so many difficulties. Therefore, I’m looking forward to reading more about the Universal Laws and doing even more homework!

Signed: Willing To Do The Work

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Dearest Willing To Do The Work

Great job! I’m so happy to hear that you’re doing the exercises from last month, and as a result, getting an understanding of what’s going on in your relationship.

Welcome to the next part in this series on the Universal Laws how using them can help improve the relationship you have with yourself and your partner.

Last month, I shared that Universal Laws are principles by which everything in this Universe is governed and that when you apply and align with them, your life flows with ease and grace. The four Laws from last month are:

  • Divine Oneness – We are all One and deeply connected to everyone and everything else.
  • Vibration – Everything in this Universe vibrates and moves.
  • Action – What materializes in your physical world is a result of your actions.
  • Correspondence – As above, so below.

Let’s get the nitty gritty on the next four Universal Laws.

Understanding Universal Laws and Putting Them Into Practice:

Cause and Effect – Nothing happens by chance or outside Universal Laws.

Attention: Your every action, including thought, has a consequence. This is also referred to as the Law of the Circle. Energy is magnetized and used and always returns to its original sender. For example, if one experiences happy energy, the original source of that energy was used in a constructive way. If one experiences unhappy energy, the original source of that energy was used in a destructive way. In other words, you reap what you sow.

Compensation – Abundance is your inalienable right as the Divine Being that you are.

Awareness Exercise: On a blank piece of paper, write a list of all the things in your life that are flowing in abundance, such as gifts, money, love, blessings, etc. Next, write a list of all the things in your life that are not flowing in abundance. For the next seven days, keep track of your time spent focusing on the what’s flowing or what’s not flowing. It’s good to be aware of what you’re focusing on.

Attraction – Like attracts like.

Attention: Positive energy (high vibration frequency) attracts positive energies or outcomes. Negative energy (low vibration frequency) attracts negative energies or outcomes.

Perpetual Transmutation – Energy constantly moves into physical form.

Attention: Where your mind goes, energy goes. The images you hold in your mind will materialize. Energy follows thought and intention.

Exercise: Visualize, in detail, an outcome you’d love to experience. For example, let’s say it’s been a long time since you and your boyfriend went out dancing. For the next 30 days, commit to visualizing that you’re having the time of your life while dancing by his side. Smile as you’re envisioning the happy expression on his face because he’s with you. Feel excited as you anticipate one of the best nights of your relationship.

Stay tuned for more in next month’s column where I’ll uncover the meanings and uses of the next four Laws: Relativity; Polarity; Rhythm, and Gender. Understanding them will dramatically help any troubled relationship.


This blog is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.


For those who are going through the cancer experience, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara

Universal Laws To Improve Your Relationship, Part 1

Dear Tamara,

In the past several years, my marriage has been on the rocks. To cope, I’ve become a spiritual seeker and have enjoyed the perspectives you impart in your monthly columns. May I ask, what are the Universal Laws and how can I use them to rebuild the relationship with my husband? I crave the closeness and sparks we used to have.

Signed: Seeker of Truth and Sparks

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Dear Seeker of Truth and Sparks

What a great question! By understanding and practicing the Universal Laws, you will enhance your relationship, not only with your husband, but also with yourself.

Ready to put some deliciousness back into your marriage? Over the next three months, I’ll share the Twelve Universal Laws (four in each of my monthly columns), their meaning, and how to align with them for relationship success.

What are the Universal Laws?

The Laws are principles by which everything in this Universe is governed. In other words, they are the glue that holds everything in existence together. More than five thousand years ago, Ancient Greece and India secretly taught its guidelines, professing that perfect harmony is a possibility because of these principles. When you apply and align with the Laws, your life flows with ease and grace. When you misuse them, fear takes over and problems arise.

On a personal level, the misapplication of the Laws creates illness, limitation, despair, and a sense of separation from others, and more importantly, from Source. On a more global level, the abuse of the Laws creates violence, wars, ignorance, and misery.

The initial step to mastery is to comprehend these principles. The next step to is to put them into practice. And, there is no better training for spiritual mastery than relationships!

Understanding Universal Laws and Putting Them Into Practice:

  • DIVINE ONENESS – We are all One and deeply connected to everyone and everything else.

    Exercise: Repeat this mantra for the next three days: My husband and I are One. Make note of any changes within you or your marriage when operating from this awareness.

  • VIBRATION – Everything in this Universe vibrates and moves. (Note: Every object, sound, feeling, and thought has its own vibrational frequency, unique unto itself.)

    Attention: At any given time, you and your husband are vibrating from the energy of either fear (judgment) or love (awareness).

  • ACTION – What materializes in your physical world is a result of your actions.

    Exercise: On a blank piece of paper, write down any actions or behaviors you and your husband (list yours and his separately) have taken that stem from fear, such as, criticism, jealousy, worry, finger pointing, etc. Next, record the results of these fearful behaviors. For example: I blamed him for not caring about my feelings. As a result, he shut down and wouldn’t talk to me for two days. Have you noticed that fear-based actions often result in disappointment, mistrust, or resentment?

    Now, write down any actions or behaviors you and your husband (list yours and his separately) have taken that stem from love, such as, gratitude, patience, interest, compassion, etc. For example: He helped me study for my exam by quizzing me. As a result, I aced the test. I appreciate him so much. Have you noticed that love-based actions usually result in feelings of happiness, trust, or closeness?

  • CORRESPONDENCE – As above, so below.

    Attention: Since everyone and everything is One and came from the same Source, there is no difference between you and the Universe and vice versa. Therefore, the wisdom and mysteries of the Universe lie within. To find out for yourself, commit to a daily practice of meditation or mindfulness.

Stay tuned for next month’s column where I’ll uncover the meanings and uses of the next four Laws: Cause and Effect; Compensation; Attraction; and Perpetual Transmutation.


This blog is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.


For those who are going through the cancer experience, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara

8 Keys For A Successful Meditation Practice

Dear Tamara,

In last month’s column, you wrote about the benefits of meditation and how it can help enhance a relationship. Because I’ve been over-reactive with my boyfriend, reading your article has convinced me that I need to begin my own practice. Can you give me some ideas on how to start it and stay on track?

Signed: Meditation Novice

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Dear Meditation Novice

Great decision, so good for you!

There is not a single person who has embarked on a spiritual practice, like meditation, who at some point, wanted to stop, distract herself or quit altogether. The following tips will help you achieve the best results in your new mindfulness experience.

Eight Keys For A Successful Meditation Practice

1) Commit to doing a meditation everyday, even if for only 5 minutes. When starting a practice, the natural tendency is to give up too quickly. Even with the best intentions, about half of you readers will succumb to your old behaviors of self-sabotage by missing days or even dropping out altogether. Is that going to be you?! I hope not!! To keep your commitment, schedule a daily reminder in your calendar.

2) Set your intention. Creating a goal for a successful practice is important. Go ahead and set your intention to meditate everyday with great results. For example, your objective could sound like this, I intend to meditate for at least five minutes everyday, bringing more calm and ease into my life.

It helps to create a special intention for missed days. To help keep you on track, make a special goal of meditating twice as long in the 24 hours following a missed day. For example, your objective could sound like this: My intention is 5 minutes of daily meditation. However, if I miss a day, my goal is to meditate for at least 10 minutes in the following 24 hours.

3) Pick that one time per day that works best for you. Studies show that if you meditate the same time everyday, you will have a more profound result. You may chose to meditate when you wake up, over lunch, after dinner or before going to bed. Whichever time you prefer, stick with it throughout your daily practice.

4) Pick a quiet place in your home, office, nearby beach or park, etc. that becomes your sanctuary. Make sure it’s a place where you can’t be easily distracted. If you have younger children, make sure it’s during their sleep time. Turn off your wireless devices and take care of any other possible disruptions.

5) Refrain from giving meaning or judgment to the thoughts, beliefs, fears, emotions and feelings that will pop during meditation. When they arise, DON’T JUDGE YOURSELF. Gently smile and let them float away. Know that what emerges is ready to leave your system. That’s right, all thoughts, beliefs, fears, emotions and feelings that surface are actually trying to leave your mind and body, so let them. Be the witness and observer of what arises and watch them gently float away. Even for the most seasoned meditator, thoughts come up. IT’S NO BIGGIE. Just notice them with interest and curiosity, which allows them drift away. Then, refocus your attention back onto the your meditation.

6) Be patient with yourself. There’s no way to do meditation wrong. As with any new practice, patience is your virtue. Be patient and kind to wonderful YOU!

7) Wear headphones. By using wireless devices to listen to guided meditations, you’ll enhance the sound by using headphones or ear buds. This helps to create a more deep and transformative experience. Also, being ‘hands free’ gives your body a chance to relax and release even more.

8) Reward or treat yourself. This is vital commitment you’re making for your mind, body and soul, which deserves to be praised and honored. At least once per week, treat yourself to something wonderful. Decide what that reward is going to be ahead of time so the incentive for continuing your practice stays a priority. Here are some suggestions:

  • Take a scented bath at the end of each week
  • Schedule a healing body or reflexology massage
  • Watch your favorite comedian or movie on Netflix or YouTube, especially ones that make you laugh or feel good.

Enjoy your meditation practice!!


This blog is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.


Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara

8 Powerful Benefits Of Meditation

Dear Tamara,

I’ve been reading your monthly columns and noticed that you’re a fan of meditation. I’m considering starting my own practice, especially if it enhances the relationship I have with my husband. We tend to argue on a regular basis and I have to admit that I’m usually the one who starts it. Would meditation help me stop jumping down his throat?

Signed: Ready For Change

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Dear Ready For Change

A resounding YES! A regular practice of meditation would definitely help, especially if your husband started his own mindfulness discipline, as well. Even if he doesn’t, the friction in your relationship should quiet down because you’ll become more calm and happy. Keep reading and learn about the power of meditation.

Meditation…

  • Reduces Stress – Study after study shows that a regular practice of calming the mind, even minutes per day, reduces the stress hormone, cortisol, leaving you feeling more peaceful and grounded.
  • Generates Presence – Because most thinking is judgment-based, if you’re thinkin’, your stinkin’. For example, when fixated on your past, you’re probably feeling regret, anger or upset. When engrossed in thoughts of your future, you’re probably feeling anxious or worried. Presence occurs when your mind is neutral (or, no judgment). Even 30 seconds of meditation or mindfulness can create presence and ease.
  • Tunes You Into Your Inner Guidance – Tai Chi master Ilchee Lee said, “Where your mind goes, energy goes.” Another way of saying this is, ‘What you focus on expands.’
    Too much thinking produces a congestion of energy in the mind. This then initiates an energy imbalance leading to stress. Meditation, however, lowers and equalizes the energy from your mind (center for creativity) into your heart (inner wisdom) and lower belly (gut intuition), which establishes an inner harmony among all three energy centers. This balance creates a stillness, which tunes you into your own awareness, consciousness and the realm of possibilities.
  • Facilitates Receiving – There’s nothing in this world that’s not energy. At any particular time, you’re giving, receiving or blocking energy. In other words, you are constantly playing with or manipulating energy.Receiving energy is difficult for many people. When you have a problem, notice how or where you’re not receiving (or blocking) energy. For example, a love problem is a ‘receiving love’ problem and a money problem is a ‘receiving money’ problem.
    Meditation enables you to be in the space of receiving and allowing. Because the Universe continuously desires to give to you, a practice of meditation is synonymous with receiving a daily dose of unconditional love. How does it better than that?!
  • Sharpens the Mind – A relaxed mind enhances focus and creativity. For example, 95% of my writing creativity is a direct result of going within and listening.
    A simple breathing meditation oxygenates the brain, which then revitalizes and refreshes the mind. For an immediate result, quickly inhale until your lungs are at full capacity. Then audibly exhale out of your mouth with an, ‘Ahhhhhhh.’. Keep repeating this breathing technique until you feel refreshed and revitalized. Enjoy the increased ability to concentrate and focus within minutes!
  • Stabilizes Emotions – At this point, there are thousands of studies proving that a daily meditation practice can reduce and even protect you from depression, stress and anxiety. Going within on a regular basis is key.
  • Helps You Actualize Your Goals – This certainly has been true for many of my clients. The ones who commit to a daily practice of going within are ten times more likely to manifest their dreams. Very exciting!
  • Facilitates Self-Love – Meditation is the epitome of self-care. It can boost your self-esteem, awareness and confidence, which all lead to self-love. To get on the fast track to self-love and healing, I recommend Tamara’s 21 Days To Self-Love Meditation Experience.

Happy Meditating!


This blog is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.


Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara

7 Secrets For Delicious Intimacy

Survival Guide For Couples: Reigniting Intimacy

Part 3 – Seven Powerful Secrets For Achieving Delicious Intimacy

redWould you like to experience delicious intimacy in your relationship? Good! Welcome to the final edition in a special 3-part series Survival Guide For Couples: Reigniting Intimacy. In last month’s column, I explained the four main culprits for erosion of intimacy: 1) Unintentionally hurting each other, 2) Over reactivity or drama, 3) Turning away or the White Elephant Syndrome, and 4) Taking each other for granted. Today, I will share powerful tips on how to get some juicy intimacy flowing with your partner. These are the secrets to a healthy, long lasting relationship.

Seven Powerful Secrets on How To Get Some Of That Intimacy!

1) Imagine Intimacy – Imagination is powerful because beneath the images of the mind, you can tap into the realm of possibility. Like a goal or a dream, envision what you want with your partner. What you imagine, so it is. Then, be grateful NOW for what you’ve envisioned, before it’s even actualized. Gratitude is key because it’s the gateway to welcoming it into your life.

2) Be Trusting and Trustworthy – Author, John Gottman, has spent much of his career researching and writing about the behaviors of couples. He reports that trust is built in a culmination of lots of little moments between 2 people. An example of this would be a husband saying to his wife, “Sweetie, I see that you are having a tough time right now. What do you need? How can I help you?” Or, a wife telling her husband, “Thank you for fixing the wobbly door knob. It’s things like this that make my day run a little easier.” Another interesting trust-builder is asking for help. These examples of small gestures turn out to huge for building a trusting relationship.

3) Be Vulnerable, Honest & Authentic – If you’re struggling, say so. It’s an amazing opportunity for intimacy with your partner. Here’s what vulnerability, honesty and authenticity sounds like, “Honey, I’m really upset about something and I need a sounding board. Can you help me by listening to my problem and let me know if I’m over reacting?” By letting your partner into your world, he or she feels included and helpful while you feel taken care of.

4) Pause, Feel and Breathe – This tip is especially for those couples that tend to have drama in their relationship. Whenever you feel stressed and ready to spew your reactive comments and judgments toward your partner, do these three things instead:

  • Pause: Stop what you are doing/saying
  • Notice how you feel: Acknowledge to yourself what you are feeling (anger, frustration, sadness, etc.). Labeling your feeling is the first step to calming your emotions.
  • Take ten deep breaths: Getting oxygen into your system always begins the calming process.

In Part 1 of this series, you learned about the over-reactive Amygdala in your brain and how it goes into the ‘fight-or-flight’ response. Using these calming techniques will give your frontal cortex, the rational part of your brain, a chance to be in charge instead.

5) Blame-Free Zone – Have a place in your home where you and your partner agree is the “Blame-Free Zone.” This is a safe room (or part of a room or area) where absolutely no judgments, criticisms, verbal attacks are allowed. This is your place to pause, have fun, and relax. Asking for time alone in your “Blame-Free Zone” is perfectly fine. This zone is the area where you and your partner can re-group, which gives you the opportunity to change your patterns of drama and repetitive arguments.

6) Practise Communication – Next time you have a meal together, turn off your cell phones and just talk. Take turns asking questions and listening. True communication is more about listening than offering suggestions and solutions and can sound something like this:

“I had a stressful day at work today.”
“Why, what happened?”
“There was a last-minute change that I had to make in my presentation.”
“Wow! How’d you handle that?”
“I was able to pull it off, but I had to reschedule my lunch plans with a prospective client to make it happen.”
“But you did it. That’s fantastic!”

In this conversation, you can see that the communication included active listening, support and validation, which are key for intimacy.

7) Professional Help – Sometimes, couples need extra help to achieve an improved state of intimacy. If you tried the techniques above and still are struggling, pursue one or more of the following:

  • Seek a marriage counselor or relationship coach
  • Attend a personal growth course together
  • Attend a meditation or couples retreat together

Any of these suggestions can be the very thing that turns your relationship around for the better.


This blog is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.


Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara

4 Culprits To Eroding Intimacy

Survival Guide For Couples: Reigniting Intimacy

Part 2 – The Four Culprits To Eroding Intimacy

redWelcome to the second edition of a special 3-part series on intimacy. In last month’s column, I explained the different types of intimacy – intellectual, energetic or experiential, emotional, and sexual. Now, I will explain the top four culprits of intimacy erosion in relationships. Go ahead and see which ones you and your partner are operating from.

1) Unintentionally Hurting Each Other – Unless you or your partner has tendencies of passive aggressive or sociopathic behaviors, you really don’t intend to hurt one another. In fact, you probably have the same relationship goals of happiness, peace and joy. Then why do couples hurt one another? The answer is that one or both of you are in fear or pain. In fact, the amount of unresolved fear or pain that you feel is the amount of pain that you inflict or project onto the other. For example, I worked with a client who had a childhood history of sexual molestation. It left her feeling trapped and overwhelmed for years. She unintentionally carried these fears into her adult romantic relationships. It wasn’t unusual for her to suddenly announce, without too much provocation from her partner, that the relationship was over, leaving the poor guy confused and left wondering, “What the heck just happened?!” When her fears were triggered, this ‘coping mechanism’ of fleeing the relationship felt mighty powerful. However, with professional help and a ton of inner work, she finally resolved her fears of being trapped and overwhelmed and now has a thriving and loving marriage.

2) 2) Over Reactivity or Drama – When triggered, do you and/or your partner fight or flee, or both? Let me explain why the fight or flight phenomena exists.

You have more than one almond-shaped area of your brain called the Amygdala. Its job is to sense, prepare and deal with perceived danger via fight or flight. The Amygdala stores memories of trauma and upset from your past. Therefore, 99.9% of the time, the pattern that’s being set off has nothing to do with what’s actually happening between you and your partner in the present moment. As soon as “danger” is perceived, your Amygdala takes over your sensible and logical frontal cortex section of your brain.

In romantic relationships, it usually doesn’t take much for the Amygdala to become triggered. Before your rational mind has a chance to engage, the Amygdala has already done its quick and dirty work (slammed doors, screamed obscenities, given threats to leave and even verbal and physical abuse). And if that’s not enough, the Amygdala gets addicted to the flood of emotional chemicals that course through your body. So, with each argument, you have to get angrier, scream louder and/or become more abusive to get that rush of chemical soup throughout your system. In the end, the only real danger is that of losing your wonderful relationship!

3) Away or The White Elephant Syndrome – Couples who don’t authentically communicate regularly often experience this particular kind of intimacy erosion. They avoid difficult topics and steer clear of disturbing the apple cart. It’s as if there’s a white elephant in the middle of the living room, but no one’s talking about it because it’ll upset the relationship status quo. For example, I have worked with a number of clients who try to avoid the topic of their partner’s addiction problem. They fear that if they bring it up, it’ll either shatter their partner or their relationship.

It takes courage to talk about difficult subjects, but in the end, it’s the only chance for a happy partnership. My job with these clients is to support them through their fears of speaking up and to stop tiptoeing around the issue. No one ever moved an elephant by walking around it. Actually, you have to walk right up and confront it to get it to move.

4) Taking Each Other For Granted – Unfortunately, I seen relationships fail simply because partners take each other for granted. Appreciating the little things that your partner does is vitally important for you to acknowledge everyday. Not doing so is a relationship killer. Couples who have a practice of gratitude never take each other for granted.

Homework for this month

For the next 30 days, be in the practice of sitting with your fears and pain. Take 10 deep breaths whenever you feel triggered in any way to begin to stop the fight or flight pattern. Complement yourself for sitting with your feelings because this is not easy to do.

Stay tuned for next month’s edition where I share seven powerful secrets for achieving delicious intimacy.


This blog is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in Eydis Authentic Living Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.


Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara

Intimacy 101 for Couples

redThere have been a lot of inquiries from readers on how to cultivate intimacy in their relationships. Therefore, I decided to devote the next 3 monthly editions to my Survival Guide For Couples: Reigniting Intimacy. This is a 3-part series, where I give the low-down on intimacy to help you and your partner experience profound love and closeness.

In this month’s edition, you’ll gain insights on the different types of intimacy. In the June edition, you’ll be educated on the main culprits that erode intimacy. In the July edition, you’ll be given the secrets to experiencing lasting, fun and juicy intimacy in your relationship for years to come. Each month, you’ll be given homework assignments that will amp things up (in a good way) with your partner.

Before you can reignite your intimacy, however, it’s important to understand the different types of intimacy, so let’s get started.

Survival Guide For Couples: Reigniting Intimacy

Part 1 – What Is Intimacy?

Intimacy is one of the most precious commodities we have in relationships. It’s something that takes time, is a process and a journey that two people take together. There are 4 different types of intimacy.

Intellectual IntimacyAn exchange and/or support of each other’s thoughts, ideas and opinions. This involves verbal communication.

I’ll use my mother and stepfather as an example for this type of intimacy. Every Sunday, they would read the LA Times while drinking coffee during the morning hours. Then at lunch or dinner, they would discuss what they read, which sometimes turned into a friendly debate. They enjoyed these exchanges because they had a chance to share their opinions and ideas with one another. As the witness to their intellectual intimacy, I enjoyed it, too.

Energetic IntimacyWhen a couple engages in mutual activities. This usually does not involve verbal communication, but rather energetic synergy.

I’ll share my own personal example of this type of intimacy. In 2014, my husband had stage-4 cancer. Thrown into our new roles as patient and caregiver, we decided to use mindfulness and meditation to help ease this journey. It worked beautifully because we just celebrated 3 years of being cancer free! As a result of this experience and wanting to be a contribution to others, we created an app that delivers guided meditations specifically designed for cancer patients/survivors and caregivers called Loving Meditations. For hours each week, we share an energetic intimacy quietly being together (writing, composing music and photography) and creating powerful and transformative meditation audios and videos for those who need it most.

Emotional IntimacySharing your feelings and a desire to understand the feelings of your partner. This involves both verbal and non-verbal communication.

Couples must have a level of trust and comfort with each other to be able to share their vulnerabilities. If one or both are over reactive, it will most likely shut down this level of intimacy. Several years ago, I was working with a couple that really wanted more emotional intimacy but their relationship was filled with reactive patterns of drama and upset. He would often roll his eyes while she shared her feelings and she would criticize him for not meeting her needs. Step-by-step, we examined their cycles of destructive verbal and non-verbal habits and replaced them with healthy behaviors of active listening, compassionate rapport and empathetic-type body language. Their hard work paid off as their relationship is now flourishing.

Sexual IntimacyAny form of sensual expression toward or for one another. This involves physical and non-physical communication.

Most people think of intimacy as being only sexual, but as you can see, it’s not only about sex. Examples of non-physical sexual intimacy include talking about sex and sexual fantasies. Examples of physical sexual intimacy include, hugging, kissing, massage, sensual touch, oral sex and intercourse.

When couples end up in my office due to marital problems, it’s not unusual to hear that sex is an issue. Men and women often experience sexual intimacy very differently. That’s because men typically use physical connection to express their feelings of closeness while women typically use emotional connection to express their feelings of closeness. Once couples understand this innate difference, and can make slight adjustments to meet each other’s needs, their sexual intimacy problems tend to disappear.

Homework for this month

For the next 30 days, tell your partner everyday at least 1 thing about them that intellectually, energetically, emotionally or sexually turns you on. Go ahead, have some fun! 😉

Stay tuned for next month’s edition where I reveal the culprits to eroding intimacy.


This blog is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in Eydis Authentic Living Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.


Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara