Tag Archives: relationship advice

The Holiday Survival Guide For Couples – Part 3: 7 Powerful Tips on How To Get Some Of That Intimacy!

Happy New Year!! May 2016 be a year filled with outrageously delicious love and happiness! Keep reading and improve your chances for delicious love and happiness by following my powerful tips on increasing relationship intimacy.

This is the third in a 3-part series titled, The Holiday Survival Guide For Couples. In last week’s blog, I explained the 4 main culprits for erosion of intimacy: 1) Unintentionally hurting each other, 2) Over reactivity or drama, 3) Turning away or the White Elephant Syndrome, and 4) Taking each other for granted. Today, I will share powerful tips on how to get some juicy emotional and trusting intimacy flowing in your relationship, which are key to a long-lasting loving partnership.

7 Powerful Tips on How To Get Some Of That Intimacy!

  1. Imagine Intimacy Imagination is powerful because beneath the images of the mind, you can tap into the realm of possibility. Like a goal or a dream, envision what you want with your partner. Then, be grateful NOW for what you’ve envisioned, before it actualizes. Gratitude is key because it’s the gateway to welcoming it into your life.
  1. Be Trusting and Trustworthy Author, John Gottman, has spent much of his career researching and writing about the behaviors of couples. He reports that trust is built in a culmination of lots of little moments between 2 people. An example of this would be a husband saying to his wife, “Sweetie, I see that you are having a tough time right now. What do you need? How can I help you?” Or, a wife telling her husband, “Thank you for fixing the wobbly door knob. It’s things like this that make my day run a little easier.” Another interesting trust-builder is asking for help. These seemingly small gestures are great for building a trusting relationship.
  1. Be vulnerable, honest and authentic – If you’re struggling, say so. It’s an amazing opportunity for intimacy with your partner. Here’s what vulnerability, honesty and authenticity sounds like, “Honey, I’m really upset about something and I need a sounding board. Can you help me by listening to my problem and let me know if I’m over reacting?” By letting your partner into your world, he or she feels included and helpful while you feel taken care of. All of this fosters wonderful intimacy.
  1. Pause, feel and breathe – This tip is especially for those couples that tend to have drama in their relationship. Whenever you feel stressed and ready to spew your reactive comments at your partner, do these 3 things instead: 1) Pause- stop what you are doing/saying; 2) Notice how you feel- acknowledge to yourself how you feel. Labeling your feeling is the 1st step to calming down; and 3) Take 10 deep breaths– getting oxygen in your system always begins the calming process. In Part 1 of this series, you learned about the over-reactive Amygdala in your brain. Pausing, feeling and breathing is giving your frontal cortex, the rational part of your brain, a chance to be in charge instead of your ‘fight-or-flight Amygdala’.
  1. Blame-free zone – Have a place in your home where you and your partner agree is the “Blame-Free Zone”. This is a safe room (or part of a room or area) where absolutely no judgments, criticisms, verbal attacks are allowed. This is your place to have “pauses”, fun, and relaxation. This zone is the area where you and your partner can re-group, giving you the opportunity to change your patterns of drama and repetitive arguments.
  1. Have a practice of communication. Next time you have a meal together, turn off your cell phones and just talk. Take turns asking questions and take turns listening. True communication is more about listening than offering suggestions and solutions and sounds something like this:

“I had a stressful day at work today.”

“Why, what happened?”

“There was a last-minute change that I had to make in my presentation.”

“Wow! How’d you handle that?”

“I was able to pull it off, but I had to reschedule my lunch plans with a prospective client to make it happen.”

“But you did it. That’s fantastic!”

In this conversation, you can see that the communication included active listening and support, which is key for intimacy.

  1. Get professional help – Sometimes, couples need extra help to get to an improved state of intimacy. The following are list of ways you can save your relationship:

· See a marriage counselor or relationship coach

· Go to a personal growth course together.

· Attend a meditation retreat together.

Any of these suggestions can be the very thing that turns your relationship around for the better.

Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

The fastest road to delicious intimacy is to give your partner exactly what it is that you desire. – Tamara Green, LCSW

The 3 Do’s And Don’ts: How To Get Your Guy To Hear You Out

Upset_Couple_Sitting_On_Bed_Se_6432266My new client, Tanya, told me this week, “Tamara, time and time again, I try to get my feelings across to my guy, but he doesn’t seem to get it, listen or even care. What the heck is the going on?!” Tanya continued to share that she and her boyfriend have been arguing quite a bit lately, mostly over “little stupid things” and is very frustrated that they can’t seem to stop the pattern of quarreling. I told Tanya if she followed the 3 Do’s (Bologna Sandwich) and avoided the 3 Don’ts (listed below), that she could get out what you wants to say in a loving and productive way.

The 3 Do’s To Get Your Guy To Hear You Out: Make A Bologna Sandwich

In these steps, I’ll use Tanya’s issue as an example of how to stop the arguing and start the constructive conversations in your relationship, where each person hears the other out.

 Step 1) The Bottom Slice of Bread

The first step is to compliment him – to get him to be open and receptive to what you have to say. This is the first slice of bread of your bologna sandwich, where you tell your guy something positive, affirming and wonderful. It is important that you are being authentic or else he’ll get that you are B.S.ing him. What Tanya said to her guy was: “You’re such a good person, William. You care deeply about things, like your family, your friends and about me. It’s just one of the things I love about you.

Step 2) The Meat

Here’s the ‘meat’ of the sandwich (conversation) – the bologna. This is where you share with him what’s going on with you and what’d you like to experience with him. (Tip: When you use the word ‘we’ instead of ‘you,’ it feels less attacking). Tanya said, “We haven’t been talking very calmly these days. It’d be wonderful if we could have constructive conversations rather than arguments all the time. That’d mean a lot to me and I know we can do it.” She went on and shared the impact that the arguing was having on her, “I’ve been going to bed very upset and confused these days. I want nothing more than to be close to you and am trying to figure out how to do that.” Here is where you want to ask about his experience. Tanya continued, “What has it been like for you, are you as confused as I am?” As you can tell, there was no attacking or blaming. For the first time in a long time, they had a meaningful exchange that was beginning to end their feud.

Step 3) The Top Slice of Bread

To insure a future with more open and constructive conversation, top it off with positivity. What Tanya relayed next was, “I’m glad that we could talk in a calm way. I deeply care about you and this relationship and look forward to many more meaningful conversations. I love you.

3 Don’ts On Getting Your Guy to Hear You Out

The thing to remember is to never use the “c” words.

  • Don’t Criticize. Never put your guy down for not hearing you out. Doing so only alienates him, makes him defensive and has him feeling like a failure. Instead, be in the practice of focusing on what you love and appreciate about him. Verbalize this to him often. In doing so, you’ll get less of what you don’t want and more of what you do want. When he does listen, compliment him by saying, “Thanks for hearing me out, that meant a lot to me.
  • Don’t Complain. By nature, men are problem solvers. If you complain enough, you are shutting him down. He will literally tune you out, because eventually, he will not see a solution to the problem and give up. Instead, be in the practice of telling him why you choose to be in this relationship with him. Tell him what’s great about him – a lot!
  • Don’t Catastrophize. Drama is a relationship killer, so do whatever you can to stay away from overreaction. In other words, whatever you are taking so seriously, please stop. Lighten up by telling yourself, it’s all going to work out just fine.

Tanya began instituting these positive tidbits into her relationship with William and as a result, they are in a much happier and peaceful place.