Tamara

Dear Tamara,

My husband is grieving the death of his wonderful father. I’m very sad, too. My father-in-law was a kind and loving man and we all miss him terribly. Can you suggest something that could help us move through this difficult time with less emotional pain?

Signed: Melancholy

Dear Melancholy

I’m so sorry for your loss. My heartfelt wish for calm and peace for your whole family during this time of mourning.

I will share with you a beautiful 3-step visualization that I used to help me and my husband deal with the emotional pain we experienced when going through the loss of our unborn child.

This visualization is also very effective for easing discord in a relationship or when experiencing any kind of fear, worry or upset. I suggest doing it every day, until you and your husband feel better. [Note: In the visualization, I am referring to your husband as your ‘loved one.’]

Loving Energy Visualization To Ease Grief

Wrapping Yourself In Healing Love

Get ready to let go of the outside world by breathing in slowly and deeply through your nose, while at the same time, expanding your lower belly… Hold your breath for a second or two… Slowly exhale through your mouth while intentionally relaxing your belly. Breathe this way two more times, or as many times as needed to feel relaxed and present.

Imagine that an ethereal, smokey-like energy is slowly floating down over your head. Invision this energy as relaxing and loving… gently drifting down through the crown of your head, down into your neck, shoulders and arms… filling up your upper torso… middle torso… lower torso… and finally down into your legs and feet. The inside of your body is now filled with this wonderfully calming energy.

Imagine that this heavenly energy is now surrounding you… protecting you. Like a cocoon, your feet and ankles are being wrapped in this pleasant energy… moving up and wrapping around your legs, torso, arms, neck and head. You are being cloaked in love, and as a result, feeling more and more serene.

Wrapping Your Loved One in Healing Love

Imagine this same ethereal energy is now slowly drifting down over the head of your loved one. It is tenderly floating down from above, through the crown of their head… into their neck, shoulders and arms… filling up their upper torso… middle torso… lower torso… and finally down into their legs and feet. The inside of their body is now filled with this amazing energy.

Imagine this heavenly energy is now surrounding and protecting them. Like a cocoon, their feet and ankles are being wrapped in this gentle yet powerful energy… covering their legs, torso, arms, neck and head. You can sense that they’re feeling more and more tranquil as they are being enveloped in love and peace.

Wrapping Yourself and Your Loved One in Healing Love

Now that you and your loved one are filled, inside and out, with this sublime energy, imagine that you are both being cocooned in it together… Layer after calming layer, you two are being bathed in the highest vibration of loving energy. Converging together as One, you feel rested, yet alert. You both are tuned in to the loving guidance of your Higher Selves. Envision that all is tranquil within yourself. Visualize that all is calm with your loved one. Imagine this moment as Oneness, as pure love. As you imagine, so it is.

Whenever you’re seeking a greater sense of wellbeing, do this powerful visualization.

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For those who are going through a challenging experience, like cancer and other medical illnesses, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want dating and relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s guidance and finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles by clicking here.

Dear Tamara,

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude! I hear about it all the time, yet I struggle with it. How can I feel grateful when I’m still single and spending my weekends alone? At age 53, this was not in my life plan! Can you help me understand why gratitude is so important and how I can generate it, especially since I’m not satisfied with how my life is going?

Signed: Dissatisfied

Dearest Dissatisfied

Gratitude is a powerful energy. When in gratitude, your energy is flowing and open to a world of possibilities. When stuck in the feeling dissatisfaction, it’s quite difficult to see the potential in what life has to offer. I experience this all the time with my dating and relationship coaching practice. The clients that tend to focus on what they don’t want, they end up generating more of what they don’t want. However, the clients who do their homework and institute a daily gratitude practice begin to see their world in a whole new and wonderful way.

When reaching for a goal or dream, it’s important to become an energy vibrational match to the very thing you desire. For many years, I’ve had a morning routine of listing three bullet points of what I’m grateful for. As a result, I live a charmed life, which includes a happy marriage, two amazing children and a career that I love filled with service and passion. For you, dearest reader, a daily practice of gratitude could certainly help you reach your dream of a loving relationship!

By following the four progressing levels to gratitude below, you will be filled with the flowing energy of gratitude in just minutes.

4 Levels To Mastering Gratitude In Minutes

Level One

It’s difficult to feel positive within the space of pain and suffering. You can begin to shift by labeling your feelings, for example:

• I am suffering
• What I’m going through is painful
• My situation makes me feel discouraged

It’s healing to acknowledge exactly where you are, so take a moment to gently observe your feelings. As emotions rise to the surface, you can easily allow them to release by doing some deep breathing. To assist you in clearing negativity, do the Deep Breathing Technique.

Deep Breathing Technique:

1. Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose while expanding your lower belly.
2. Hold your breath for a second or two.
3. Slowly exhale through your mouth while intentionally relaxing your body.
4. Repeat steps 1-3 two more times or as many times as needed.

Now, let’s begin to shift into the space of gratitude.

Level Two:

Think of a moment in your life when you felt pure joy: maybe when your dream came true; held your child or grandchild for the first time; or, were acknowledged for your kindness or a success. Allow yourself to indulge in this memory.

Feel what it feels like to be there now: alive, real, victorious, loved or even loving.

What you focus on expands, so let all your senses come alive with the goodness of this moment. Smile. Be thankful now, and let this happy memory grow bigger, brighter, more vibrant, and even more colorful. You’re bringing this wonderful feeling back to life. To assist you in doing this, do another round of the Deep Breathing Technique (listed above).

Level Three:

Think of someone in your life that you feel grateful for, who has shown you love, guidance or encouragement. Think of what this person has done for you, how they stepped up and really made a difference. Allow waves of appreciation to wash over you. To assist you in doing this, do another round of the Deep Breathing Technique (listed above).

Level Four:

Focus on what’s good about you. What about YOU are you grateful for? Are you loving, determined, kind, good intentioned or loyal? To assist you in doing this, do another round of the Deep Breathing Technique (listed above).

You are now filled with the high vibrating energy of gratitude. Repeat this often for powerful results.

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This blog post is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.

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For those who are going through a challenging experience, like cancer and other medical illnesses, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want dating and relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s guidance and finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles by clicking here.

Hi Tamara,

I have been told by many people, including a therapist, that I’m a control freak. I admit that this is true. I don’t really understand why I feel this way and how to manage it. As a single woman trying to navigate online dating, I’m finding myself thoroughly frustrated and disappointed on a daily basis – it seems like nothing is within my control. Why do I have such a need to control everything in my life? How do you suggest I begin to release my controlling behaviors?

Signed: Ms. Megalomaniac

Dearest Ms. Megalomaniac

Congratulations on being open for change! Before I answer your questions, let’s get more clear on what a ‘control freak’ really is. Since you’re open for change (which hard-core control freaks aren’t), I’m going to assume that you’re not a full-blown control freak, but do have some traits.

Control Freaks:

• Prefer to do things themselves because they don’t trust that others will do it right.
• Believe that they’re perfectionistic vs controlling.
  Tend to be workaholics.
• Can be critical of others, especially if someone is not doing it their way.
• Are impatient listeners and think they know what’s best for others.
• Set and expect high standards from themselves and others.

I could go on and on, but you’re beginning to get the gist of how control freaks operate. Dearest reader, does any of this resonate with you?

Your first question was about understanding why you have a need to control. In your childhood, did you feel helpless or did everything around you feel out of control? Or, maybe you thought you were smarter than everyone else. and felt you always had the right answers to everything. In both scenarios you’re terrified of being unprepared (or having the answers), blindsided (feeling unsafe or vulnerable), or exposed (feeling powerless or abandoned).

Have you noticed that the more controlling you become, the more out of control things seem to be? Then, you blame others for how you feel, which makes things even worse. In needing to be in control, you’re unconsciuosly assuming that you have no control. This is not true because you are control itself (a positive way of defining control – more on this later). However, the underlying fear of not having control rules your life. It’s like living in a box, confined to the your negative judgments, which keeps you operating from a contracted rather than an expanded place. Simply put, you’re completely rejecting other possibilities because you’re not open or tuned in to them.

Here’s an exciting truth – you are not wrong, nor weak, nor broken. In fact, quite the opposite. You are powerful and filled with awareness, and always have been. You’re not fully operating from intuition (or presence) because you’ve never been taught how to tap into it. This leads us to your second question of how to release your controlling behaviors.

Below are some tools that will begin the process of releasing control to help you open up to the possibilities the universe has in store for you. It’s all about being present.

Essential Tools For The ‘Control Freak’ In You

Lao Tzu wrote, “To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.” Presence is where you create from, where the universe gives to you, and where you actualize your visions. Saying “I Am,” puts you in the present moment – always! There are four “I Am” statements that are quite dynamic and effective. The following ideas came out of a wonderful little book titled How To Become Money Workbook available at www.accessconsciousness.com.

1. I Am Creativity – What’s the vision you have for your life? What would like to experience? You activate the generative energy of this vision when you repeat the mantra “I Am Creativity” and take ownership of being the creator of YOUR experience.
2. I Am Power – You are pure energy (an energetic being) that dances and plays with the energy of others and the world around you. When you repeat the mantra “I Am Power,” you claim yourself as the powerful energy that you are.
3. I Am Awareness – By claiming this, you acknowledge a knowing that the world will be as you perceive it. How you view the world equals the energy you’re creating from. For example, you see online dating as frustrating and disappointing, so you will continue to experience online dating as frustrating and disappointing until you have an internal shift – an awareness that you’re in the driver’s seat of your life and creating everything that you experience. It’s all based on where you’re placing your attention. Therefore, when you place your focus on the mantra “I Am Awareness” you are co-creating with the universe with ease, joy and glory.
4. I Am Control – By claiming this, you recognize that the world is your oyster. There is never a worry about about how you get there, but rather an awareness that the universe will work with you to create your vision. Saying “I Am Control” is being in allowance, knowing that the universe takes care of everything at the right time and place. The key is to maintain your vision, power and awareness within your life, within every action, within every thought, feeling and emotion.

Say these mantras every morning and night until you become creativity… until you become power… until you become awareness… until you become control. This is how you create a better version of yourself now.

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This blog post is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.

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For those who are going through a challenging experience, like cancer and other medical illnesses, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want dating and relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s guidance and finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles by clicking here.

Hi Tamara,

I need your help with making a decision. I’m in a partnership with a really great guy; he’s totally into me and I really like him, too. Part of me wants this relationship and part of me doesn’t. For some reason, which I can’t figure out, some days I’m 100% into him and some days I’m thinking of letting him go. Can you give me some insight as why I’m so back and forth about such a warm and wonderful man?

Signed: Conflicted

Dearest Conflicted

To help you understand your bewilderment, I’m going to share about the different ‘parts’ of you. These ‘parts’ can have contrasting agendas, which may be causing your confusion and inability to make a decision about this relationship.

Think of yourself as a machine, a tool containing parts that uses energy to perform an intended action, which includes awareness. Machines are usually powered by mechanical, chemical, thermal, or electrical means, but the machine that is you is powered by the needs and agendas of your different parts.

Right now, the different parts of your machine are in conflict with one another. Each part is trying to convince you that its agenda should be your top priority. That is, parts of you want a full commitment with this man while other parts of you don’t.

To get clarity on what may be going on, read The 7 Parst (Agendas) Of You listed below and answer each of the corresponding questions.

The 7 Parts (Agendas) Of You

1. Physical Body Depending on the day or whom you’re with, your body’s agenda is to be touched, caressed, pampered, rested, exercised, admired, lusted after, to have sex and fun. Questions: What are your body’s agendas? Is this relationship meeting your body’s needs and desires?

2. Conscious Mind This is your thinking mind, the part of you that you’re aware of: your values, which drive your thoughts and goals. Based on your values, you consciously make decisions and goals nearly everyday. For example, your conscious mind’s agenda may include being in a relationship with a warm and wonderful man who’s totally committed to you. Questions: What are your top values, thoughts and goals? Is this partnership in alignment them?

3. Subconscious Mind Like most people, you may be unaware of what’s going on with this part of your being. Your subconscious mind is where your inner-child resides, which desires and deserves love, acceptance, safety, understanding, nurturance, tenderness and affectionate care. (Note: Loving your inner-child is the same as being self-loving.) If your childhood experience showed you that relationships were wrought with emotional pain, your inner-child may be sabotaging any efforts toward your conscious mind’s goals for love. Questions: What is your inner child’s agenda within this relationship? Is she getting her needs and desires met?

4. Ancestors/Family This is the part of you that is programmed or ‘learned.’ Brain science shows that most beliefs are formed by the age of seven years old and did not originate with you. Also, some studies have revealed that 97% of your DNA is like storage units holding sound bites from your ancestors. Questions: What is your family’s agenda regarding relationships? Do you feel pressured to get married? Do you sense that your family wants you to or leave or stay with this man?

5. Mass Consciousness You are one part of the whole human race. Mass consciousness has collective beliefs, which are certainly on a grand scale. Much of the world population considers ‘coupling’ as desirable and even necessary. More and more people, however, are choosing not to be in a full-blown committed relationship, which is perfectly fine. It’s important for you to be clear about what you desire. Question: Imagine being in this relationship five years from now. Does this feel light (your truth) or heavy (not your truth)?

6. Soul Your soul makes contracts with your Highest Self to evolve. Therefore, your soul’s agenda is to reach personal goals and spiritual initiations within each incarnation. For example, through this relationship, your soul may be trying to release karma from past lifetimes, to set boundaries, to speak your truth, to let love in, etc. Questions: What are your soul’s agendas? Is your sense that this relationship is aligned or not aligned with your soul’s purpose?

7. I Am Presence (or Highest-Self) Did you know that you are a very intricate and multi-dimensional being? Your I Am Presence is your highest non-physical dimension of you. It sees the big picture, and has since your very first incarnation. This part is the real you, your infinite-being self. It is not your ego, and therefore, carries no pain, attachment or judgment. When your I Am Presence sees something that’s coming into your future, such as a relationship, it shows up to you as a passionate desire. Question: Do you, or do you not, have a strong desire to be in this relationship, even though you’re not sure why?

Good work! You’ve probably gained new insights and are therefore better informed to make your decision to leave or stay in this relationship. If you still feel conflicted, then everyday for the next 30 days, repeat this mantra before going to bed: All parts of me come together as one unified agenda with ease. I am in harmony, am clear, and at peace. For best results, please stay committed to this mantra for the full 30 days. In the meantime, have faith that your questions will be answered.

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This blog post is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.

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For those who are going through a challenging experience, like cancer and other medical illnesses, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want dating and relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s guidance and finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles by clicking here.

Hi Tamara,

I’m a working mother of two elementary school aged children. Plus, I’m caregiving my aging father, who seems to require more of my time and energy each month. On top of all that, my husband is feeling neglected, so I’m trying to keep him happy, as well. Needless to say, I’m having a difficult time juggling all of this. Do you have any advice on how to keep my sanity?

Signed: Stretched Thin

Dearest Stretched Thin

I congratulate you for being a hero to your loved ones! Like so many women in this world, you are a member of the Sandwich Generation, a growing number of people who are trying to balance everyone’s needs. Even though this is a huge challenge in your life, I wonder if you can also view it as an opportunity for self-care?

In 2014, I was caregiving my husband, who had stage IV cancer. Everyday, I accompanied him to the infusion center where he received his radiation and chemotherapy. I was also caring for our 13 year old son who had Lyme disease. Every morning, I drove him to school and often had to turn right around to pick him up early because he wasn’t feeling well. During all of this, I continued to work full time in my psychotherapy and coaching practices while regularly checking in with my aging parents and in-laws. Needless to say, I, like you, was juggling quit a bit.

At first, I felt very overwhelmed and stressed. Then, I had an internal shift. I asked myself, What would I recommend to my clients if they were in the same situation? That’s when I decided to turn caregiving into an opportunity for self-love and care. Even though I didn’t have a lot of time to myself, I choose to do little things throughout each day that made a huge difference for me and my loved ones. Below are the strategies I used that kept me sane.

SELF CARE WHILE CAREGIVING

• Daily Gratitude – Each morning in my journal, I listed three bullet points of what I was grateful for. For example, I wrote: I’m grateful for… my sister’s caring voice mail message; my ability to be helpful; my body for all it does. It only took 30 seconds to start my day off on the right foot.
• Body Movement – Between dropping my son off at school and before meeting my husband at the infusion center, I either took a yoga class, power-walked, or even shoveled the driveway of snow. I did anything to keep my body moving, which helped to release stress.
• Positive Multitasking – During walks, drives, and chores, I was on my iPhone either connecting with a caring friend or listening to positive messaging, such as webinars and walking meditations. This kept any stinking thinking to a minimum.
• Self-praise and acknowledgement – Because I was stepping up in a real way for other people, I realized that caregiving was a job that deserved accolades and applause. My self-talk included upbeat statements like, “Yay me, I’m so wonderful! Today I earned 10,000 kudos points!!!” Of course, these moments of self-praise always made me smile or even laugh.
• Presence – One day, I was on a phone session with my patient and it dawned on me that I was feeling guilty for not being with my husband or our son during that hour. My poor client didn’t have my full attention! I immediately created an intention to be present with whomever I was with and what ever I was doing. This internal shift changed everything. Because I’m human, I wasn’t present every single second, but certainly more than ever before. The mantra I repeated often was, “I am present and all is well.”
• Accepting Help – “Can I call you in a pinch?” I’d ask my neighbors, friends and family. Of course, they all said “Yes!” And, I did call them. Every once in awhile, I needed their assistance and they were happy to step in by picking my son up from school, grabbing a food or pantry item at the supermarket, or by simply lending a listening ear.

I hope you try these simple yet very effective self-loving and caring techniques during this challenging time. You deserve it!!

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This blog post is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.

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For those who are going through a challenging experience, like cancer and other medical illnesses, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want dating and relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s guidance and finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles by clicking here.

Hi Tamara,

I am unhappy. There, I said it! I’ve been trying to focus on positive thoughts, but I just can’t deny any longer of how unhappy I am within my relationship and job. If my boyfriend would stop spending so much time on video games and be more focused on our relationship, I’d feel more fulfilled. If I got better pay and worked fewer hours, I’d feel more satisfied. But, it appears these things aren’t going to improve, even though I’ve tried everything to change them. Help! I want to be happy!

Signed: Unhappy

Dear Unhappy

I used to be very unhappy, too. I blamed my parents for my childhood wounds, my boyfriends for not fulfilling my needs, and my job for my deep sense of disappointment and dissatisfaction. In fact, I became so unhappy that one day I contemplated driving my car off a cliff. Thank God I didn’t, but I felt devastated inside.

That was a long time ago, but interestingly enough, it was my severe emotional pain that led me to my own salvation. I had to fall apart to begin putting the pieces of my life back together. It was through this hardship that I realized my happiness was not only my responsibility but also my choice.

By sharing this, am I suggesting that you, too, have to fall apart to find happiness like I did? No. That was my path. However, I’d like to help you get well on your way to self-discovery and happiness.

My personal and professional experience has shown me that unhappiness is the result of having conditions and agendas. To help you understand what this means and how to release them, I’ve created the 3 Steps to Happiness below.

3 STEPS TO HAPPINESS

Step 1 – Understanding Your Conditions and Agendas

Conditions are the circumstances affecting the way in which you live, especially with regard to your well-being.

Exercise: To get an idea of the conditional thinking you’re operating from in your life, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): I won’t be happy unless or until ___(fill in the blank)___.

Example: I won’t be happy until my boyfriend spends more time focusing on our relationship.

Agendas are your conscious (or subconscious) plans or timetables that you use with as guidelines for yourself and others.

Exercise: To understand the agendas your operating from, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): ___(Your plan for yourself and/or others)___ needs to happen within ___(your timeline)___ in order for me to be happy.

Example: Making more money needs to happen within 6 months in order for me to be happy.

Step 2 – Awareness of Your Conditions and Agendas

Having conditions and agendas makes for an unhappy life and is a recipe for disastrous relationships. It means that other people need to be, do or say things in a certain way in order for you to be happy. If they don’t, you end up blaming them for your unhappiness. By the way, you may be creating conditions and agendas for yourself, as well, which undermines your relationship with you.

No one has created your unhappiness but yourself. And, my dearest reader, as you’ve experienced for yourself, trying to be or think positive when you’re feeling unhappy is extremely difficult. To help you reach the positive state of mind that you desire, try this exercise.

Exercise: Ask yourself these awareness-type questions (repeat as many times as necessary):

• How many conditions and agendas am I using to create the reality that I’m choosing? Everything that is, am I willing to release them?
• What unawareness am I using to create the unhappiness that I’m choosing? Everything that is, am I willing to release them?

Tip: If you notice any resistance to this exercise, then keep repeating the questions until you feel lighter or better. Also, notice that you’re asking if you’re willing to let the conditions and agendas go. In the state willingness, anything is possible.

Step 3 – Forgiveness and Gratitude

Forgiveness and gratitude are your keys to happiness. When you stop blaming yourself and others for your experience, then freedom ensues. When you appreciate the fact that all of your circumstances have led you to this moment of forgiveness, happiness ensues. Therefore, forgiveness and gratitude equals freedom. Another word for freedom is happiness.

Exercise: To help you forgive yourself, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): Even though I ___(what you’re blaming yourself for)___, I forgive myself. Doing so will set me free.

Example: Even though I sabotaged my good efforts, I forgive myself. Doing so will set me free.

Exercise: To help forgive others, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): Even though they ___(what you’re blaming them for)___, I forgive them. Doing so will set us free.

Example: Even though they haven’t given me a raise in years, I forgive them. Doing so will set us free.

Great inner work!! Follow these 3 steps everyday for the next 30 days and enjoy your road to happiness!

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This blog post is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.

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For those who are going through the cancer experience, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to calmcancerstress.com.

Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!