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Hi Tamara,

I have been told by many people, including a therapist, that I’m a control freak. I admit that this is true. I don’t really understand why I feel this way and how to manage it. As a single woman trying to navigate online dating, I’m finding myself thoroughly frustrated and disappointed on a daily basis – it seems like nothing is within my control. Why do I have such a need to control everything in my life? How do you suggest I begin to release my controlling behaviors?

Signed: Ms. Megalomaniac


Dearest Ms. Megalomaniac

Congratulations on being open for change! Before I answer your questions, let’s get more clear on what a ‘control freak’ really is. Since you’re open for change (which hard-core control freaks aren’t), I’m going to assume that you’re not a full-blown control freak, but do have some traits.

Control Freaks:

  • Prefer to do things themselves because they don’t trust that others will do it right.
  • Believe that they’re perfectionistic vs controlling.
    Tend to be workaholics.
  • Can be critical of others, especially if someone is not doing it their way.
  • Are impatient listeners and think they know what’s best for others.
  • Set and expect high standards from themselves and others.

I could go on and on, but you’re beginning to get the gist of how control freaks operate. Dearest reader, does any of this resonate with you?

Your first question was about understanding why you have a need to control. In your childhood, did you feel helpless or did everything around you feel out of control? Or, maybe you thought you were smarter than everyone else. and felt you always had the right answers to everything. In both scenarios you’re terrified of being unprepared (or having the answers), blindsided (feeling unsafe or vulnerable), or exposed (feeling powerless or abandoned).

Have you noticed that the more controlling you become, the more out of control things seem to be? Then, you blame others for how you feel, which makes things even worse. In needing to be in control, you’re unconsciuosly assuming that you have no control. This is not true because you are control itself (a positive way of defining control – more on this later). However, the underlying fear of not having control rules your life. It’s like living in a box, confined to the your negative judgments, which keeps you operating from a contracted rather than an expanded place. Simply put, you’re completely rejecting other possibilities because you’re not open or tuned in to them.

Here’s an exciting truth – you are not wrong, nor weak, nor broken. In fact, quite the opposite. You are powerful and filled with awareness, and always have been. You’re not fully operating from intuition (or presence) because you’ve never been taught how to tap into it. This leads us to your second question of how to release your controlling behaviors.

Below are some tools that will begin the process of releasing control to help you open up to the possibilities the universe has in store for you. It’s all about being present.

Essential Tools For The ‘Control Freak’ In You

Lao Tzu wrote, “To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.” Presence is where you create from, where the universe gives to you, and where you actualize your visions. Saying “I Am,” puts you in the present moment – always! There are four “I Am” statements that are quite dynamic and effective. The following ideas came out of a wonderful little book titled How To Become Money Workbook available at

  1. I Am Creativity – What’s the vision you have for your life? What would like to experience? You activate the generative energy of this vision when you repeat the mantra “I Am Creativity” and take ownership of being the creator of YOUR experience.
  2. I Am Power – You are pure energy (an energetic being) that dances and plays with the energy of others and the world around you. When you repeat the mantra “I Am Power,” you claim yourself as the powerful energy that you are.
  3. I Am Awareness – By claiming this, you acknowledge a knowing that the world will be as you perceive it. How you view the world equals the energy you’re creating from. For example, you see online dating as frustrating and disappointing, so you will continue to experience online dating as frustrating and disappointing until you have an internal shift – an awareness that you’re in the driver’s seat of your life and creating everything that you experience. It’s all based on where you’re placing your attention. Therefore, when you place your focus on the mantra “I Am Awareness” you are co-creating with the universe with ease, joy and glory.
  4. I Am Control – By claiming this, you recognize that the world is your oyster. There is never a worry about about how you get there, but rather an awareness that the universe will work with you to create your vision. Saying “I Am Control” is being in allowance, knowing that the universe takes care of everything at the right time and place. The key is to maintain your vision, power and awareness within your life, within every action, within every thought, feeling and emotion.

Say these mantras every morning and night until you become creativity… until you become power… until you become awareness… until you become control. This is how you create a better version of yourself now.

This blog post is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.

For those who are going through a challenging experience, like cancer and other medical illnesses, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to

Want dating and relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s guidance and finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles by clicking here.

XOXO Tamara

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