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Hi Tamara,

I am unhappy. There, I said it! I’ve been trying to focus on positive thoughts, but I just can’t deny any longer of how unhappy I am within my relationship and job. If my boyfriend would stop spending so much time on video games and be more focused on our relationship, I’d feel more fulfilled. If I got better pay and worked fewer hours, I’d feel more satisfied. But, it appears these things aren’t going to improve, even though I’ve tried everything to change them. Help! I want to be happy!

Signed: Unhappy


Dear Unhappy

I used to be very unhappy, too. I blamed my parents for my childhood wounds, my boyfriends for not fulfilling my needs, and my job for my deep sense of disappointment and dissatisfaction. In fact, I became so unhappy that one day I contemplated driving my car off a cliff. Thank God I didn’t, but I felt devastated inside.

That was a long time ago, but interestingly enough, it was my severe emotional pain that led me to my own salvation. I had to fall apart to begin putting the pieces of my life back together. It was through this hardship that I realized my happiness was not only my responsibility but also my choice.

By sharing this, am I suggesting that you, too, have to fall apart to find happiness like I did? No. That was my path. However, I’d like to help you get well on your way to self-discovery and happiness.

My personal and professional experience has shown me that unhappiness is the result of having conditions and agendas. To help you understand what this means and how to release them, I’ve created the 3 Steps to Happiness below.


Step 1 – Understanding Your Conditions and Agendas

Conditions are the circumstances affecting the way in which you live, especially with regard to your well-being.

Exercise: To get an idea of the conditional thinking you’re operating from in your life, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): I won’t be happy unless or until ___(fill in the blank)___.

Example: I won’t be happy until my boyfriend spends more time focusing on our relationship.

Agendas are your conscious (or subconscious) plans or timetables that you use with as guidelines for yourself and others.

Exercise: To understand the agendas your operating from, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): ___(Your plan for yourself and/or others)___ needs to happen within ___(your timeline)___ in order for me to be happy.

Example: Making more money needs to happen within 6 months in order for me to be happy.

Step 2 – Awareness of Your Conditions and Agendas

Having conditions and agendas makes for an unhappy life and is a recipe for disastrous relationships. It means that other people need to be, do or say things in a certain way in order for you to be happy. If they don’t, you end up blaming them for your unhappiness. By the way, you may be creating conditions and agendas for yourself, as well, which undermines your relationship with you.

No one has created your unhappiness but yourself. And, my dearest reader, as you’ve experienced for yourself, trying to be or think positive when you’re feeling unhappy is extremely difficult. To help you reach the positive state of mind that you desire, try this exercise.

Exercise: Ask yourself these awareness-type questions (repeat as many times as necessary):

  • How many conditions and agendas am I using to create the reality that I’m choosing? Everything that is, am I willing to release them?
  • What unawareness am I using to create the unhappiness that I’m choosing? Everything that is, am I willing to release them?

Tip: If you notice any resistance to this exercise, then keep repeating the questions until you feel lighter or better. Also, notice that you’re asking if you’re willing to let the conditions and agendas go. In the state willingness, anything is possible.

Step 3 – Forgiveness and Gratitude

Forgiveness and gratitude are your keys to happiness. When you stop blaming yourself and others for your experience, then freedom ensues. When you appreciate the fact that all of your circumstances have led you to this moment of forgiveness, happiness ensues. Therefore, forgiveness and gratitude equals freedom. Another word for freedom is happiness.

Exercise: To help you forgive yourself, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): Even though I ___(what you’re blaming yourself for)___, I forgive myself. Doing so will set me free.

Example: Even though I sabotaged my good efforts, I forgive myself. Doing so will set me free.

Exercise: To help forgive others, complete this sentence (as many times as necessary): Even though they ___(what you’re blaming them for)___, I forgive them. Doing so will set us free.

Example: Even though they haven’t given me a raise in years, I forgive them. Doing so will set us free.

Great inner work!! Follow these 3 steps everyday for the next 30 days and enjoy your road to happiness!

This blog post is featured in Tamara’s monthly column in My Authentic Life Magazine called Talk To Tamara. Click here to see the article.

For those who are going through the cancer experience, feel calm in minutes by downloading the free Loving Meditations App. For more information, go to

Want free relationship advice right away? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your dating or relationship struggles. Whether you are single or are experiencing relationship upset, by clicking here, you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!

XOXO Tamara

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