I’d like to say that the holidays bring out the best in couples, but unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the case for many. During this time of extended family visits, increased spending and busy-ness, the spirit of the holidays often take a back seat to stress and overwhelm. Of course, this stress affects relationships and healthy intimacy tends to take a back seat, too.
Welcome to my 3-part holiday series, where I give the low-down on intimacy. This is to help you and your partner get through the holidays not only intact, but also in a loving and healthy way. In week 1, I’ll explain what intimacy is. In week 2, I’ll share with you the main culprits that erode intimacy. In week 3, I’ll reveal the secrets to how you can experience lasting, fun and juicy intimacy in your relationship, not only for this holiday season, but also for the years to come. Last, I’ll give you a homework assignment each week that will amp up your level of relationship intimacy. Let’s get started.
What is intimacy?
Intimacy is one of the most precious commodities we have in relationships. It’s something that takes time, is a process and journey that two people take together. There are 4 different types of intimacy:
An exchange and/or support of each other’s thoughts, ideas and opinions. This involves verbal communication.
I’ll use my mother and step-father as an example for this. Every Sunday, they would read the Times while drinking coffee during the morning hours. Then at lunch or dinner, they would discuss what they read, which sometimes turned into a friendly debate. They enjoyed these exchanges because they had a chance to share their opinions and ideas with one another. As the witness to their intellectual intimacy, I enjoyed it, too.
Energetic or experiential intimacy
When a couple engages in mutual activities. This usually does not involve verbal communication, but rather energetic synergy.
I’ll share my own personal example of this type of intimacy. Since 2012, my husband and I have produced guided meditations for our Miracle Mondays Meditations community. We quietly sit together – I write and use my voice to guide the meditations while he composes the beautiful music and produces the products. The result – powerful and transformative meditation audios and videos.
Back in the 90’s, we used to invent personalized songs for kids who were in the hospital with cancer. I wrote the lyrics and sang while my husband composed the music and burned CD’s for each child. Creating together is a ‘cloud-9’ experience for us. It has always felt amazing to have this generative energy flowing between us.
Sharing your feelings and a desire to understand the feelings of your partner. This involves both verbal and non-verbal communication.
Couples must have a level of trust and comfort with each other to be able to share their vulnerabilities. If one or both are over reactive, it will most likely shut down this level of intimacy. Several years ago, I was working with a couple that really wanted more emotional intimacy but their relationship was ingrained in reactive patterns of communication. He would often roll his eyes when she shared her feelings and she would criticize him for not meeting her needs. Step-by-step, we examined their cycles of destructive verbal and non-verbal habits and replaced them with healthy behaviors of active listening, compassionate rapport and empathetic-type body language. Their hard work paid off as their relationship is now flourishing.
Any form of sensual expression toward or for one another. This involves physical and non-physical communication.
Most people think of intimacy as being only sexual, but as you can see, it’s not only about sex. Examples of non-physical sexual intimacy include talking about sex before having it and revealing sexual fantasies to one another. Examples of physical sexual intimacy include, hugging, kissing, massage, sensual touch, oral sex and intercourse.
When couples end up in my office due to marital problems, it’s not unusual for me to hear that sex is an issue. One of the main reasons for this is because men and women often experience sexual intimacy very differently. For example, men tend to form more of an emotional bond with their partner after sex, while women desire the emotional bonding in order to have sex. Once couples understand this innate and very common difference, and if they can compromise a little to meet the other’s needs, their sexual intimacy problems tend to disappear.
Homework for the week: For the next 7 days, tell your partner everyday at least 1 thing about them that turns you on. Go ahead, have some fun! 😉
Stay tuned for next week’s blog, The Holiday Survival Guide For Couples: Part 2- What Are The Main Culprits To Eroding Intimacy?
Need relationship advice in a jiffy? Take advantage of Tamara’s free 45-minute guidance session where you will finally get clarity and relief from your heartbreak. By clicking here you no longer have to figure this out alone anymore. Yay!
As we all know, so much has happened this past week. Around the globe, terrorists were doing what they do – terrorize, destroy, hurt and kill. As I posted on Facebook, my family and I met a very nice couple (photographers) in Chappaquiddick, Massachusetts. Unfortunately, their son was in the concert hall in Paris and was shot in the chest by one of the terrorists. He was in a coma for several days, however, the surgery was successful and he is just now beginning to recognize his family members and is even smiling and laughing with them. He is a lucky young man and we all sigh a huge sigh of relief that he’s on the mend.
My husband and I know this couple through their photographs. Starting at 4:00 AM, 365 days per year, they run the paper route delivering newspapers to many stores around the island of Martha’s Vineyard, Mass. Needless to say, they’ve seen some absolutely gorgeous sunrises and began photographing and emailing them to their friends. Well, those friends forwarded the photos to their friends, who forwarded them to their friends, and on and on it went. This began a ripple effect of their photos going out to thousands of lucky recipients, like myself, around the world. Their ability to capture stunning nature scenes wrapped in sunrise colors is brilliant and awe inspiring.
So taken by their photos, one day last May I reached out and asked if we could meet. They happily agreed. One sunny morning in Chappaquiddick (a small island off of Martha’s Vineyard) this past August, we met and spent a lovely day on the beach getting to know one another. We had so much fun that we all agreed that we would meet again next summer – a beautiful beginning to an annual tradition. Learning about their son being shot was such a shock, especially after hearing all about him that day on the beach.
To see their talent for yourself, visit their Facebook page and check out their 2016 calendar. I have mine and it’s spectacular: 2016 VineyardColors Calendar
I dream of a world filled with peace, where everyone gets along and appreciates one another. We don’t just tolerate but delight in each other’s differences.
I have more than just dreamed this – I have actually seen it. A number of times while deep in meditation, I have been shown a vision of a peaceful world. Like Shangri La, all humans (and wild animals) live amongst one another, caring for each other in the most deep and loving way. This vision of paradise always fills me with joy and hope for our future.
There is a song that captures this image and I want to share it with you. It’s an Italian song titled, Nell Fantasia, sung by Diva Rose Jang. So, in honor of you, our new friends and their son, fill your hearts with the promise of peace and love and clicking in this video below. Follow along with the lyrics (in English) below and be touched by it’s encouraging words. Enjoy!
In my fantasy I see a just world
Where everyone lives in peace and honesty
I dream of a place to live that is always free
Like a cloud that floats
Full of humanity in the depths of the soul
In my fantasy I see a bright world
Where each night there is less darkness
I dream of souls that are always free
Like the cloud that floats
In my fantasy exists a warm wind
That breathes into the city, like a friend
I dream of souls that are always free
Like the cloud that floats
I saw a great play in New York City last weekend that every couple should see. The play is named after the book that it’s based on, John Gray’s International Best-Seller, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. What a blast!
A one-man show, Peter Story (yes, that’s his real name), shares his relationship… well … story… about he and his wife, Megan. Revealing, funny and so completely right on, Peter captures the differences of how men and women experience life with one another. When Peter described how his wife could multitask (make a great tasting pasta dish, change their child’s diaper, clean up toys and answer the doorbell all while having a full-on and in-depth conversation with her best friend on the phone), while he, on the other hand, was lucky to get the water boiling for the pasta in the same amount of time. As Peter shared his tale of relationship mishaps and misunderstandings, both genders in the audience laughed hysterically and nodded our heads vigorously, totally identifying with what he was communicating.
Not only is this play delightfully funny, it’s also packed with information that couples really need to know about one another. For example, women need to receive caring and understanding while men need to receive trust and acceptance. And, women treasure respect and devotion while men treasure appreciation and admiration. Last, but not least, women crave validation and reassurance while men crave approval and encouragement.
Over the many years of working with couples, it’s clear to me that partners share the same nuptial goals and intentions – a long lasting and loving relationship. However, men and women speak a completely different relationship language. Even brain chemistry is different between the sexes. In terms of the brain, the majority of the blood flow for a woman is in the right region, whereas the majority of the blood flow for a man’s is in the left region. In other words, she’s more focused on sharing and communication while he’s more focused on problem solving and doing.
What then, are the secrets to Martian men and Venusian women cohabitating in relationship bliss? Three main secrets!
Secret #1- Stop taking everything so personally.
The truth is that it’s not about you. Whatever they say is really about them. If you do take it personally, then you may be judging yourself the same thing. If that’s the case, then it’s time to explore some self-help books, therapy and/or a meditation practice. I’ve made it easy for you to begin a life-changing meditation practice. Join the Miracle Mondays Meditation community where you will receive complimentary guided-meditation audios right into your inbox every week!
Secret #2- Stop making everything so serious.
Keep things light. Ask yourself, What am I making so serious, that if I didn’t make it serious, would actually give me peace? Just by asking yourself this question several times in a row, you’ll begin to feel lighter and even laugh about that thing you were taking so serious just seconds before.
Secret #3- Stop focusing on what’s wrong.
Instead, focus on what’s right. Tell your partner what you love about them, not what you don’t like. Happy couples understand the 5-to-1 rule. They focus on or say five wonderful things and only one not-so-wonderful thing per day. Try it! It’s worked wonders in my marriage and I know it’ll work wonders in yours, too!!
Now that you know the secrets to relationship bliss, take your partner out on a date and see the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus play and enjoy each other’s company!!
To recap what the experts said:
- 90% of communication is non-verbal, so you may be missing those body expressions as clues to what’s really going on in your dating and love life.
- More and more, couples are not engaging with each other because they are distracted by their phones. For quality relationships, turn your phone off during meals.
- In this hyper world of technology, our brains are over stimulated. The result is shorter attention spans. To counter problematic effects of this, have a practice of getting centered and quieting the mind.
- Use your phone to be ‘Love in Action’. Use it as the vehicle to have fun with your partner by sending short, loving and sexy texts. Bigger conversations should always be in person.
- How many hours per day do you spend on your phones?
- Does it come out during mealtime?
I’m guilty of this sometimes. There have been occasions where my kids have asked me to turn it off, and, I’m glad that they spoke up.
- Have you ever used your phone to go out or break up with someone?
- Do you sext with your partner?
You don’t have to be a healing professional to help someone feel much better. If you or someone you know is suffering from illness or an emotional upset, then, you’ll want to read this 2-step guide to the Loving Touch Process. This is for both of you to do together because it’s a giving and receiving process.
When my husband, David, was being treated for cancer, I didn’t realize how important my Loving Touch was until he shared an excerpt from the chapter he wrote in the international bestselling book, Cancer: From Tears To Triumph (link available below).
“I am convinced that my wife’s love and healing energy was a huge factor in my recovery. When my body was energetically and physically wiped out, she used her empathic skills and sensed what my body needed. Simply by touching my head or rubbing my back, she infused me with a healing energy that counteracted the effects of the chemo and radiation. Feeling insulted internally and externally by the treatments, her healing touch became the single most important boost to my body.”
Awe! I am so glad that I helped my beloved husband so much. It actually felt very healing for me to be doing this Loving Touch for him. And, it wasn’t me that was doing the healing; I was just the vessel for which the healing energy flowed through.
Today, I will teach you the first step to this very easy Loving Touch Process.
Before we begin, I’d like to share (again) what I wrote in a blog last month: Finding The Gifts In Every Challenge: 3 Rounds Of Ho’oponopono (link available below).
- David is now cancer free and healthy as ever.
- From the cancer experience, our relationship grew even closer.
- We use our unique talents to create healing meditations that we love to pass on to others. In our Loving Meditations audios, I guide you with my words while David’s music takes you into an even deeper and tranquil state. The combination is powerful.
The following meditation is available in audio format, accompanied by David’s transcendent music. For a profoundly deep and healing experience, click onto this link to purchase this 2-meditation bundle: Loving Touch Process (Steps 1 & 2)
(Note: I refer to the one giving Loving Touch as the ‘Caregiver’ and the one receiving it as the ‘Loved One’.)
Caregiver and Loved One:
First, it’s important to protect your physical body from any low vibrational energy. It’s easy to do. Get present by taking 3 deep breaths…
-Breathe in, filling up your chest… exhale and release the stress and thoughts by having them run down your arms and out your fingertips.
-Inhale, filling up your chest again… exhale and release the stress and thoughts by having them run down your arms and out your fingertips.
-Last deep breath in… this time filling up your lower belly… exhale and release the tension and stress by letting it run down your legs, to your feet and out your toes… Good…
Second, ask your guides, angels, and even Creative Source to drape a golden robe of protection over your physical body. As soon as you ask, it’s being done. Go ahead and visualize yourself putting on that beautiful robe of protection. As you visualize – so it is. (The robe is glowing and illuminating and feels very relaxing to have it on. It will stay on you for the rest of the day. It’s good to be in the practice of putting on ‘the robe’ because it will help shield other people’s negative energy away from you, keeping you grounded and at peace.)
Next, ask your guides, angels and Creative Source to assist your Loved One by blanketing them with love – showering them with a light filled with healing love. You may see a color, or maybe not, just know that it’s being done as soon as you ask. Ask and you shall receive. Take your time… don’t go to the next step until you sense that your Loved One is completely filled with healing love.
Caregiver and Loved One:
To become even more present and relaxed, relax your eyes and focus on your 65 trillion cells that make up your body. You can actually do this. Just place your awareness on the cells that make up your beautiful body. Good, now, be in the space within your cells within your entire body… Again, be in the space within your cells within your entire body. Now, feel the energy emanate from your body in all directions, including down into mother earth. As if you have your own sun within your heart/chest… the sunrays emanate outside of your body two inches in all directions… now six inches outside your body in all directions… now twelve inches outside your body in all directions… now two feet outside your body in all directions…. Keep going… your energy is filling up the room that you are in…Very good.
Open your eyes wider and give each other eye contact… Smile… Become very curious about the other… Keep the eye contact… This may be uncomfortable at first, but stay with it, it will get easier the longer you stay with it… Soften your eyes… Smile… Become very appreciative of the other. Look into their eyes and say to yourself, “I appreciate you so much.” Become very interested in the other, in their life and the experiences that they have chosen. Say to yourself, “I am so interested in your life and the choices you’ve made… it’s all very interesting to me.” This is good because you are sending a loving energy to one another. Say to yourself, “I love you so much.” Smile even more… it feels good to share this loving energy with one another.
I hope you enjoyed Step I of the Loving Touch Process. You did a great job! See how easy it is? Stay tuned for next week’s blog for Step II where you are both guided to receive even more powerful healing energy. Also, to experience this meditation in audio for free, tune in to Miracle Mondays Meditation on September 7th. You will have 24-hour access to this powerful process accompanied by David’s gorgeous music.
Check out the stuff:
Meditation Bundle: Loving Touch Process (Steps I & II)
For free 24-hour audio access to the Loving Touch Process: Miracle Mondays Meditation.
Book: Cancer: From Tears To Triumph – An anthology of inspiration from Survivors and Thrivers, Health Care and Support Professionals, Caregivers and Loved Ones.
This blog is dedicated to my friends, Valerie, who is valiantly recovering from a massive stroke, and to my high school friend, Donna, who lost her 28-year-old son in a tragic car accident. May you both be blessed on your journeys of recovery.
The other day, my 14 year old son, Mark, came home with his art project (see photo). If you look close enough, you can see a powerful message, Think Different. All of you Apple product fans know exactly where this tagline came from. Mark, I believe, is their biggest fan. Seeing these words reminded me how I was able to stay grounded during a life crisis, that it’s important to think different, especially when life throws a curve ball.
In November of 2013, my own foundation was shaken to the core. I got a call from our Pediatrician that Mark was diagnosed with Lyme disease. Four days later, I sat in the doctor’s office with my husband, David, and heard the words, “I’m sorry David, you have stage-4 cancer.” What happened? I was merrily skipping along in my life when BAM, life threw me not one curve ball, but two!
At first, I was in a state of shock like a deer in headlights, motionless as life was happening around me. Knowing that my loved ones needed me, however, it was necessary for me to snap out of my fog. I asked myself the question, What advice would I give a client who was in this situation and inquiring about how to stay grounded, present, functioning and calm? I wanted to be helpful, loving and available to my husband and son, so I did what I always do when I’m seeking guidance; I went into deep meditation and got the following bits of think different wisdom.
Those of you who are bold enough to believe that you can change your world… will. – Tamara Green
6 ‘Think Different’ Secrets: Making Your Way Back To Home Base
- Get Support – My friends and family pulled through for us in ways we never could’ve imagined. Friends and family feel helpless unless they have something to do, so give them a job. They will be so happy you did and you will receive the loving support that you really need.
- Ask, What’s Right About This? – There is benefit in every situation, especially the most challenging ones. For example, during David’s ordeal, there were a lot of sleepless nights. Instead of getting upset that we were losing precious sleep, David and I asked, What’s right about this? It was on those sleepless nights that we shared the most wonderful and memorable moments of emotional intimacy. As a result, we are closer now than at any other time in our 20-year marriage. There was nothing but ‘right’ during those sleepless nights.
- Even When You Feel Terrified, Accept And Love Yourself: You are going to find that your emotions are like a roller coaster, and that’s okay. In the moments when I felt fear, confusion and upset, I repeated to myself, Even though I feel this way, I love and accept myself anyway. This mantra was a God-send. It helped me to cut myself some slack, especially when I needed it the most.
- Start Or Maintain Your Spiritual Practice: Go within and you will find peace, even bliss, in the scariest and most upsetting moments. Examples of a spiritual practice are meditation, praying, going on nature walks and/or listening to calming and soothing music. As a caregiver, I found my meditation practice to be the most important moments of my day. I felt cared for as I received precious love from the Universe.
- Be Authentic: If you are feeling upset, don’t try to hide it or hold it in. Releasing emotion is a positive experience for your body. Holding in your feelings is bad for your emotional and physical health. So, be authentic and let the tears flow. If you are upset, share it with someone. It’s okay to let it all out.
- Be Okay With Not Knowing: The ego wants to know, understand and analyze. In your mind, you may be asking, Why me? What’s happening? How did this happen? What do I do? Is everything going to be okay? This line of self-questioning usually adds more stress because you are not accepting what is. Instead, just BE. As I learned from my own experience, this is a lot easier said than done. However, if you repeat this mantra, I Am present, it may be easier to step into the flow of calm and relaxed energy. Young children do this all the time, so let’s learn from them and just BE.
Fortunately for Mark, we caught the Lyme disease early enough. He only required several months of antibiotic treatment before he the got a clean bill of health. For David, however, his medical treatment was long and difficult; chemotherapy, radiation and major surgery. In the end, though, it all paid off. I am very happy and relieved to announce that he not only survived but also is now thriving. He has remained cancer free to this day. Both of the ‘men’ in my life are my heroes.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
– Nelson Mandela
Give me an L, give me an O, give me a V, and an E. What that’s spell? LOVE! That’s right, the month of February has been about love. In week 1, we read how Brooke found her perfect Valentine – HERSELF! In week 2, all the single ladies turned Valentine’s Day into a party instead of a pity – that was fun! Week 3 was about how my love of a tree enhanced my soul. And now, what better way to end this month’s series on love than by hearing from a blogger, Amina Makhdoom, who shares her wisdom on sprinkling love onto others, even to those who don’t seemingly deserve it. Enjoy!
Speaking of love, Tamara has created an opportunity for you to travel the path to self-love and healing when you listen to the powerful 21 Days To Self-Love Meditation Experience. From Day 1 to Day 21, you are systematically taken through a transformative process of clearing all obstacles to the loving relationship of your dreams in just 3 weeks.
Sprinkling Some Love On It
The other day, I was at a hotel restaurant. The women serving us, Brenda, was not very friendly. I just smiled and was polite to her. Finally, when everyone had cleared out and it was just the two of us, I took her my plate to save her a trip to my table. As I handed her my plate, she mentioned how tired she was and how, after working a full shift, she had to go home and cook for her son, who was hosting a Super Bowl party at her house. I stood there and listened. I showed interest, asking her what she would cook, and remarked how lucky he was to have her as a mom. She smiled and shared her famous chili recipe with me. This interaction took about three minutes.
In this month of love, I invite and encourage you to be the source of love in your life. I am not sure if you have noticed this in your daily interactions, but people are in dire need of being loved. Sprinkling love can be as simple as validating who they are, appreciating something about them, giving them a hug or, like in Brenda’s case, by just listening . It does not have to be difficult or time consuming to sprinkle a little love on people. Opportunities exist everywhere!
There is so much conflict/fighting/tension/traffic/anxiety (you fill-in-the blank) out there! And, there seems to be a lack of smiles or people saying to one another, “How are you?” or “Nice to see you!”. This world needs love. So many people are fixated on being right or wrong, good or bad, better or less than. Meanwhile, there is little acknowledgement of the real truth – we are all in this together. We are one human family and what happens to one of us impacts all of us. So, instead of talking about what is wrong (and, yes, I understand there is quite a lot to say about that) why not talk about what is right? If you don’t feel ready to take on the whole world, then ‘take on’ your office mates, your family, the cashiers where you shop , or the driver in the car next to you. Go ahead and let that car merge in front of you, even though they drove all the way to the end to cut in… I know, they don’t seem like they deserve love, but the truth is, all of us have these “undeserving” moments. That is when we all need love most.
There is a common spiritual belief, as you give, so shall you receive. I have found this to be true in all areas of my life. Whatever I tend to give the most of, is what I receive the most of. When I coach people on manifesting money, the first lesson is always to give money away, because it always comes back to you… multiplied. The same is true for love. Give it away… for free.
It is not your job to determine who is deserving of your love. That is a waste of time and energy. Your job is to freely give love. Remember, sometimes the person who seems to be the least deserving of your love is the one who needs it the most. This month, stretch yourself. See if you can freely give love to 1 person, who you believe, does not deserve it. I guarantee the impact on your life will be monumental. Do you want love? Then open the door to the love you are withholding from others. When you do, you will experience love returned to you in ways you could never anticipate and in quantities you could not imagine. It is always important to love yourself first. But, even if you are not feeling like you have any love to give, I promise, if you follow the steps below, the person who will benefit the most is you! When you give love out, it exponentially boomerangs back to you.
Amina’s tips on Sprinkling love on those who need it the most:
- Make a list of 3 to 5 people who are the most important to you. Ask yourself, have I loved them to the best of my ability? Then select 1 person who you may feel is not deserving of your love or kindness.
- Do the following 5 actions for all of them in the next month:
- Be present and attentive to them in your next interaction.
- Tell them how much they mean to you and what you like, love, admire or appreciate about them.
- Offer to do something for them that would make their life easier. Ask them what that could be.
- Give them a hug or a kiss.
- Give them a hand-made or store-bought gift
- In each interaction, see if there is anything you can do to ‘sprinkle some love on it.’ For example, smile at them, look into their eyes and thank them, compliment them, say to them, “Have a nice day.” If none of these bring a smile to their face (such as, drivers on the highway) just wish them well in your heart (as you drive past).
Now, go out there and ‘sprinkle some love on it!’
May the love you give be return to you multiplied!
Thank you Amina. What a great way to improve one’s life than by giving love to those who “don’t deserve it”. I, for one, plan on ‘sprinkling some love on it’ wherever I go.
Blogger, Amina Markhdoom, is affectionately known as the Sunshine Manifester because of her ability to easily materialize her sincere hopes and wishes.
Life happens to all of us. From love to heartache, wins and disappointments – you can’t escape life. It comes as no surprise that I am a lifelong meditation activist. For me, it is truly vital to live a life as uncomplicated from external and fleeting upsets as possible. I believe meditation brings you closer to the world around you. In fact, it makes you one with the world – with your energies mingling into a force that flows and pulsates love.
Indeed, the more you meditate, the more you evolve into a higher state of consciousness. That is a truly beautiful place to be. You gain clarity in your mind and soul. You find yourself approaching “problems” with a calm resolution. You experience completeness, joy, vibrance, physical and mental health, peace of mind, lack of stress – fathomless benefits to your body and soul with only a few minutes a day!
This is why I have made sharing the power of meditation my mission. Thank you for reading my message, now I invite you to listen to my meditations and I wish you to experience the peace and joy that it has brought me. These are the 5 visual guided meditations that I have created to share with the world. Let my soothing voice, stunning visuals and expertly crafted original music created by Grammy Nominated Composer, David Dachinger of (www.ddmusic.com) guide you to healing, wellness and love. Enjoy!
- Receiving Meditation
A love problem is a receiving problem. So many people know how to give but not how to receive, or receive enough. Giving to others is great, but often, people tend to over-give which creates scarcity. Therefore, receive, receive, receive — which creates balance and harmony in your relationships.
- I Am Sorry Meditation
Forgive yourself and heal your heart to find love.
- 7 Keys to Actualize What You Seek Meditation
Watch this stunning guided meditation to help you actualize what you seek and find love.
- Heartbeat Meditation
Watch this stunning guided meditation to release anger and heal yourself.
- Does Your Love life Suck? Then Stop Dreaming Small Meditation
YOU ARE THE CREATOR OF YOUR LIFE! Learn how to manifest the relationship you desire with this guided meditation.
Watch these meditations and share share share! This is meant to help as many people as possible to open them up for love and healing. Don’t forget to subscribe to my youtube channel!
Meditation beginner? No problem! You have the most to gain. Check out my tips for meditation beginners below.
Tamara’s tips for beginner meditators:
- Start with guided meditations (I recommend about 20 minutes per day, every day). If you are trying to work through a specific problem (i.e., self-esteem, relationship, health), then it takes anywhere from 21 to 30 days of daily meditation to begin to experience true results. Thoughts wander like crazy for beginners, so it’s helpful to give your stinking thinking brain a job, such as following a guided meditation. The brain needs a job to keep it out of the your way to what you are trying to achieve (a quiet mind or neutral state).
- Become the observer and the witness of your thoughts during meditation. In other words, as if you are a scientist who is collecting data for research, notice YOU having a thought, DON’T JUDGE IT, then consciously decide to go back into the guided meditation (into the neutral state).
- Be patient with yourself, be light and even laugh at yourself at having thoughts, feelings and emotions that come up during meditation. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has plenty of thoughts, feelings and emotions during the beginning practice of meditation. It’s normal, normal, normal. Be grateful that you are motivated, even excited, to embark on a life transformative experience.
- DON’T GIVE UP!!! Keep going. You’ll hit road blocks, but stay disciplined and committed to the practice and you’ll work through them, and everything else in your life.
What?! Stop the presses, you had to read that one again, right?!
Your feelings and emotions determine your thinking…AND, your body controls your mind.
To more easily illustrate what the heck I’m talking about, I’m going to share with you a story about one of my clients:
Anu had a terrible past experience with her Ex that scarred her emotionally. He had an affair in their 7th year of marriage. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he claimed that he was “in love” and wanted a divorce to be with his mistress. Describing this as the most traumatic time of her life, Anu experienced a high-drama divorce 8 years ago. As a result, Anu feared that any man, that she was attracted to and could potentially be involved with, would have an affair. Just thinking about going out with a great guy made her feel insecure, anxious, and anything but confident. On dates, her throat closed up, her hands got cold and clammy, her heart raced and her stomach twisted into knots. In other words, she had no conscious control over her body’s automatic response to her horrifying fear of being dumped.
For months, even years, Anu focused on the day she discovered her husband’s affair. Like an addiction, she kept recalling his words, her feelings of shock, his facial expressions while saying, “I don’t love you anymore,” and many other minute details of that day. Over and over again, she obsessively went over these details to varying degrees in her head, every time reminding herself of her experience, which produced the same chemical changes in her brain and body. In a sense, she repeatedly reaffirmed the past and continued the conditioning process further. Her body, which acts as her unconscious mind, did not know the difference between the actual traumatic event and her emotions created by thought when remembering the event. Poor Anu!
Here’s what was happening: When Anu’s body habitually made these autonomic physiological changes, it was because she had associated the future thought of loving a man with the past emotional memory of the ‘affair’ trauma. And when that future thought was consistently associated with her past feelings of that trauma and drama, her mind conditioned her body to respond automatically to that feeling. What she was doing was continuously moving into familiar states of being – her thoughts and feelings became one with the past because she couldn’t think beyond how she felt.
When I began working with Anu, I first had to get through to her that her feelings and emotions were the end product of her past experiences. In other words, in her love and dating life, she was not present at all, but rather living the story of her past.
Subconsciously, she was caught up in her traumatic experience, and all five of her senses captured the ‘affair’ event and then relayed all of that vital information back to her mind. When this new data reached her brain, all kinds of wild stuff was happening: nerve cells organized into new networks >> circuits jelled >> chemicals (otherwise known as feelings and emotions) released to signal the body >> and viola, her body literally altered its physiology. Wow!
Just like it was for Anu, most people’s brains (including yours!) are conditioned to focus, without awareness, on the past – even up to 95% of the time! When the event is more traumatic, however, brain cells get overwhelmed by bombardment and become desensitized. Then, just like an addiction, the cells need more stimulation to get their ‘fix’. Therefore, you have to become more anxious, more upset, more bothered than the previous time in order for a chemical response to be strong enough to arouse the cells.
Are you getting the gist of how your body controls your mind?
I went on to explain to Anu that if she was powerful enough to create the conditioned brain that she had programmed in the first place, she certainly was powerful enough to throw out her old mind (that works against her) and re-create a new mind (that works for her).
When she asked what she needed to do in order for this to take place, I said, “At the least, this requires awareness of your subconscious, surrendering the old mind and consciously creating a new mind.” She said, “I am ready to truly let go of my Ex.” She was psyched, motivated and ready to rock and roll.
I am a quantum physics and neuroscience junkie. For many years, I have studied and read anything I can get my hands on in terms of how the brain functions, how beliefs are created (and dis-created), and what kind of energetic impact this has on our bodies. Specifically regarding my all-time favorite subject – LOVE, I am currently writing a book about all of this juicy stuff — but in layman’s terms. This book is uncovering years of research and experience and reveals the formula that I have created to release all that gets in the way of having a long term loving relationship.
I put Anu on a regimen of daily meditation (which got her into the realm of all possibilities), positive intentions, actions that matched her Love Target, and FUN! Because of her determination, diligence and discipline, in about one month, she began to see some amazing and positive changes. She was actually having fun, beginning to love herself and was enjoying a man who was pursuing her like crazy. Yay Anu!
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