OK readers, what’s your main belief about long lasting loving relationships? Come on, answer honestly, from your own experience.
The #1 answer I get to this question:
“Long lasting loving relationships are hard work.”
I can understand why this response wins over any other. It’s because over the years, we have heard from our families, friends and even from the ‘experts’ that healthy and long lasting relationships are “hard work” or “a lot of work.” At this point, we’ve been programmed to think this way because it’s what we’ve been fed for years. Well, I’d like to throw this old belief out the window and institute a new one – one that works for your relationship, not against it.
Here’s my declaration:
Wonderful, long lasting, healthy and loving relationships are easy, fun and uncomplicated! It’s certainly true in my own marriage of 20 years and can be true for yours, too.
What makes relationships difficult?
Three words: Responsibilities, Obligations and Expectations (or, what I call, ROE). These three different types of judgment create a lot of unnecessary stress and heaviness in your love venture. For thousands of years, marriages were seen as business agreements between families, like contracts that had nothing to do with love. Even though much of the world currently does not subscribe to this concept, we still have a programmed response embedded in our brains and cells (a hard-wiring) because that’s how it’s been for so long.
As a couples’ therapist of 25 years, I’ve seen ROE be the demise of so many beautiful and potentially long-term partnerships. When I convey to my coupled clients that ROE may be a culprit of their unhappiness, I often hear this defense: “What?! Of course we are responsible for each other! And yes, we have obligations! Doesn’t it make sense that we expect our needs to be taken care of by the other?” I then ask them, “Please feel what it feels like to have ROE in your relationship”. Without fail, they share, “Oh, now I see what you mean. It feels like a heavy burden, makes me feel tired and even trapped!.” And this is when I say, “And you wonder why your relationship feels like ‘hard work’? BECAUSE YOU’RE MAKING IT HARD WORK!!”
You know those little round red thingies on top of the sushi called Salmon Roe (ROE)? If you and your partner operate from ROE, then, like fish eggs on sushi, your relationship doesn’t have a chance to blossom into a full-grown Salmon. In other words, ROE keeps your love from growing, blossoming and thriving because you’re both too busy swimming upstream and never making it to the top to spawn. It’s a losing battle.
Packed with surprising information and filled with easy tips, click here to listen to Tamara’s interview on the Ready For Betty Radio Show. It’s only 30 minutes, so how does it get easier than that?!
What makes relationships easy?
Two words: Contribution and Gratitude. These are not just words, these are energy vibrations or states of being. Asking how you can be a contribution to you, your partner and your relationship totally rocks! Contribution is the energy of ‘giving’. Gratitude is the energy of ‘receiving’.
Do you want to experience even more of what you love about your partner? Then place most, if not all, of your attention on what you love about them, not what you fear or don’t want. In other words, don’t focus on your complaints, but rather on what you appreciate. Trust me, you’ll get a lot more of what you want from your partner by doing that. Contribution and gratitude together create beautiful balance and harmony in a relationship.
Just like there is no black without white, there is no true giving without receiving. In healthy relationships, each person gives and receives 50/50.
Tamara’s Tips for an Easy Breezy Relationship:
- Stop operating from the belief that great relationships are ‘hard work’. They only are if you believe that they are. Where your mind goes, energy goes, therefore, invest your energy on possibilities…of easy, fun, sexy, passionate, uncomplicated, profoundly loving and long lasting relationships! Say this declaration daily: Wonderful, long lasting, healthy and loving relationships are easy, fun and uncomplicated! How exciting!
- Sit down with your partner and list out all the things you feel that you have to do, must do, need to do. This will give you an indication of whether your relationship is operating fromthe 3 relationship killers: Responsibilities, Obligations and Expectations (ROE). If you find that you are operating from ROE, commit to releasing them and living more from contribution and gratitude.
- Institute more fun. For instance, after months of chemo, radiation and finally surgery, my husband got the word that he was cancer free. Hallelujah! We decided that fun was going to be central in our lives. As a result, every night for at least 30 minutes, we gleefully dance to funk music from the ‘70’s. I know, I know, I’m dating ourselves, but we are having the time of our lives and is central to creating our thriving relationship.
To my wonderful readers, a favor:
I will happily ‘receive’ your love, support and ‘contribution’ by clicking onto the YouTube link and either subscribing, viewing, liking and/or sharing (or better yet – ALL FOUR!!). It’s easy, once my video starts playing, just click onto the tiny red heart in the upper right corner. Viola! Your’e subscribed!
Thank you, I appreciate you so much!
Very good blog. Kudos!
I LOVE that you dance EVERY night!! Ariana and I sometimes talk about having a “dance party” when one of us is in a funk. Then we put on music very loud. Sometimes we even do that in the car. She waves her hands all over the place and bounces her head. I can’t because I’m usually driving.
GREAT IDEA!! And so much fun AND it lightens up everything.
Love you so much Tamara dear!