In last week’s Newsletter, I discussed how couples often begin as a Loving Relationship Sun, which is a communion of two people coming together and living as contributing, honoring, trusting and respecting each others’ feelings. This week, I want to give an explanation of what causes these sunny relationships to fall into darkness and how to bring them back to shining bright again.
As a Couples Psychotherapist of 24 years, I have seen 100’s of twosomes enter my office on the brink of breakup and divorce. There are four major reasons why relationships come to such a dark place.
Before I share these problems, however, let me first explain how I work. I’m one of those professionals that see and feel everything from the perspective of energy. Ever since I was young, I could literally feel and even see energy vibration with each word and action from myself and from others. At this point, I even refer to myself as an Energy Healer. Therefore, when a couple walks into my office (or virtually on the phone or Skype), I instantly connect with the energy vibration behind their every word and action.
Four Major Problems That Take Relationships Into Darkness
The first problem in failing relationships is judgment. Judgments are decisions or conclusions that you’ve made about yourself or someone else. How it shows up in a relationship may sound something like this: “He doesn’t care about my feelings,” and “She nags me a lot.” Energetically speaking, judgments are a real downer and very dense. It’s a slow moving vibration and it doesn’t feel good when you are in judgment. It also locks you into conclusion, which is very limiting. When I work with couples, I have them reframe their statements to reach for a higher vibration. For example, “He doesn’t care about my feelings,” could be reframed as, “He cares enough to show up for this couples session.” The other statement, “She nags me a lot.” can be reframed as, “Sometimes, she says very sweet things to me”. Both reframes instantly feel lighter, better and less dense.
The second problem is expectation of what is feared or not desired. When couples share statements that begin with, “He always….,” or “She never….,” I know that they are expecting more of the same of what they don’t want or fear. This keeps them experiencing more of the same because that is where their focus and attention is. Instead, I have them focus on what they do want and desire. Often times, I have them create a Loving Intention Statement that they both agree on. One of my couples came up with this statement: “We are passionately in love, have great sex and have loads of fun with each other.” They reported that they giggled every time they focused on this statement. Vibrationally speaking, it feels so much better to be focused on what you desire versus what you don’t like or fear.
The third problem is blame. Couples unknowingly project their own fears and limiting beliefs onto the other all the time. The truth is, you are responsible for your own feelings, beliefs, thoughts and emotions. You are choosing to be reactive. Your partner may trigger them, but you are choosing to feel the way that you feel. Your emotions and feelings are never anyone else’s fault. This is when I have each partner look at their own set of beliefs, feelings and emotions. If they really do the work, each partner begins to see that their own triggers are patterns that began in their childhood. In other words, what they come to realize is that they have been blaming their partner for something that has nothing to do with them at all.
The fourth problem is an interesting one. It’s where both partners know deep down that it’s time to move on. It’s actually not a problem but rather a victory. Sometimes, relationships complete their course and it’s OK to move on. I tell these couples to not view this ending as a failure, but rather a spiritual victory. If they have done their best and a situation does not end the way they had hoped for, perhaps it was a karmic relationship that had reached completion. Perhaps their higher selves are now ready to open their life to something much more appropriate for their pathway and for their happiness. A relationship break-up in this case is certainly a spiritual success, not a failure. I help these couples come to peace with their decision. Sometimes, my job as a couples therapist is to give them permission to move on.
Tips to prevent…
Judgment – If what you are saying doesn’t feel good, you are in some sort of judgment or conclusion. Be conscious of your negativity within your relationship. Reframe your judgmental statements to a higher vibrating ones. If you are feeling better, you are on the right track. A spiritual practice like meditation can be very beneficial to releasing yourself from judgment. Click here to register for Tamara’s free weekly Miracle Mondays Meditations.
Expectation – Be conscious of what you are focusing on and be mindful that your expectations are yours, not your partner’s. Create a Loving Relationship Statement that reflects what you want versus what you don’t want or fear. Share this with your partner. Better yet, create it together.
Blaming – Take responsibility for your reactions. Take the time to explore the root of your own feelings, beliefs, thoughts and emotions.
Staying put when it’s time to move on – Talk openly and be honest about how you feel about the relationship. Give yourself permission to move on.
All of the tips above take courage, diligence and possibly professional help. However, it’s worth it if it means taking your relationship back into it’s original Loving Relationship Sun. Click here for your free Loving Relationship Guidance consultation session with Tamara.
A life with no victim consciousness is a life of bliss. – Tamara Green, LCSWLoving Relationship Expert