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Dear Tamara,

I am so upset that I went through another holiday season single and alone. In the past 5 years I’ve had three brief relationships with men who treated me like dirt and then disappeared for no apparent reason; had hundreds of lonely weekends with my best pals Ben & Jerry; and cried buckets of frustrated tears. And to boot, 2017 is not looking promising at all. Do you have any words of advice before I totally throw in the towel on love?

Signed: Giving Up


Note: I contacted this reader to inquire further and she admitted to being a people pleaser; giving in too easily to men – including sex; focusing on others rather than herself; and believing that she’s not worthy of love.

Dear Giving Up:

My heart goes out to you because, once upon a time, I was the expert on people pleasing. I wanted others to love me and I was willing to give away my soul if that’s what it took. Yet in spite of my efforts to please, I always ended up abandoned, lost and confused. So, I really do understand why you’re ready to throw in the towel on love.

Here’s my plea to you… don’t give up on love! In fact, I want you to commit (or re-commit) to this journey more than ever yet in a whole new way. This time around, use the 90/10 Rule – commit 90% to you and only 10% to everyone else. My guess is that you’ve been using this rule in reverse – 90% to others and 10% to you (if even that). But when you commit mostly to you, I promise that your life will turn around in the most magical ways. It certainly did for me.

Using the 90/10 Rule to Attract Love

Be devoted to you: Imagine yourself like a rock in a stream. When you’re devoted to you and your desires, that stream cannot wash you away. When you’re trying to please others, you get washed away in seconds. Therefore, devote 90% of your time, focus and energy on you, which builds a foundation of self-esteem, self-confidence and self-love. This is absolutely irresistible to men!

Make a pledge: “I, ___(your name)___, hereby pledge, that I will not give up on love. I understand that this is not an easy journey but rather a courageous one. Even through my darkest days, I commit to nurturing and caring for my body, mind and soul with the 90/10 Rule, which includes daily practices of mindfulness and loving self-care. I understand that my self-sabotaging patterns will surface and that I may want to give up. I will use these dark moments as an opportunity to re-commit to me and my dreams of a loving relationship. I acknowledge that I am worthy of love.

Signed: __________________(Your signature)____________________

Notice how you’re spending your time during non-working hours: These days, most people spend way too much time in technology related activities such as social media, TV, movies, online shopping and other mind-numbing behaviors. Are you doing the same? It’s okay to enjoy these things but not to live in them.

Immerse yourself in positive books that supports your love journey: I highly recommend my friend and mentor’s book, Love In 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love by Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. This step-by-step guide has helped 1000’s of women navigate the choppy waters of dating, love and relationships to success.

Begin your spiritual practice: Finding inner peace is key. Commit to yoga, nature walks, meditation, mindfulness and/or hobbies on a regular basis. Doing so will increase your chances for success in love by 85%!

Complement and acknowledge yourself every single day: Give yourself kudos for being the courageous woman that you are. Find things about you that you’re grateful for, happy about and admire. Gratitude is the gateway to abundance.

Trust your gut intuition: That very first impression of a person or situation is your inner wisdom coming through. Do not ignore it. Honor it 100% because it’s always correct.

Follow these 90/10 Rule guidelines and experience a new year filled with love!


XOXO Tamara

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